"I didn't break the computer, Sting did"

In just over 24 hours I saw Bligh, Carlin, Mark, Guy "Pointin' mah Fingers" Bevan, Charlie, Jimh, Jim Kaston, Scott and Joe. I overdosed on awesome.

Oh, Sam was there too. I made fun of him after the movie by saying "We just saw Sam Worthington, and now we're seeing Sam Not Worthington."

During our trip to Glendale, chauffered by Jim "Tim" Kaston, we insulted Sam so much that we were accused of anti-Sametism.

Hosford made an off-hand statement about some fat chick who was 5m away from us. "Didn't we tell you to stop insulting random people?" Evidently not.

The conversation in the car turned to Batman. I said "Two-Face, that's not the only thing he has two of." There was a long silence. Then Jimk said "Get out."

As we drove through Wallsend the conversation turned to a particularly horrible person we used to know. Halfway through what he was saying Jimh lost his train of thought (but not his octavarium [he doesn't have one to lose]). He equated this effect with that of the dementors. (This was because he's a Harry Potter fanatic.)

Jimh later jumped back in horror at the price of milkshakes.

Apparently they're renaming October Ocsober. I "BOO"ed Jim Kaston style. (It's much the same as Tim style booing, but with a cooler name.)

During an exam question I had no clue whether what I was writing was right or not. It asked to list three types of something and explain what they meant. So after writing two paragraphs of explanation, I hedged my beats and wrote "data integrity" as my third option (with no explanation at all).

"Explain the three different types of time."
"Dammit Audrey."

I managed to guess correctly a question, despite being told "there's no way you could've guessed that without knowing what to do".

While watching parliament on mute, Wayne Swan kept pointing. Not to be outdone, Malcolm Turnbull pointed effervescently at every opportunity.

While trying to rip Synchronicity the computer's CD drive broke and wouldn't open. The blame was put on me. I shifted the blame to Sting.

While his iriver was on shuffle, Hosford asked me when I got a particular song off him. I said "It was on the same CD as Cat Food, and IMSON." Then, two seconds later, he skipped to "IMSON!"

I was going to put on The Office, so I asked my sister which episode I should show. She recommended one. Then we found out five seconds later she had leant out The Office DVD and couldn't watch said episode.

Mum wanted me to write down what Jimh wanted from McDonalds on a piece of paper. As a joke after the proper list I wrote "& a rocket". When she went to McDonalds she handed the piece of paper to the guy behind the counter. He was had no clue McDonalds sold rockets.

"It's not the first time a car's run over my foot" - Joe

Scott was going to study for his French test but decided to get lunch and hang with us instead. "I chose to get nutella on my crépe to make up for the lack of Frenchness."

Hosford replied "Is everyone in France seven?"

Our old computer is broken. It says the file hal.dll can not be found or is corrupt. Of all the possible filenames to mysteriously stop working and cause a malfunction.

[jimmh] yeah
[jimmh] yeah
[jimmh] dammit
[jimmh] YEAH
[jimmh] wait wot
[jimmh] no
[jimmh] dammit
[jimmh] hmm yeah

A friend commented "free wifi has its downsides" on MSN. I was about to refute her when my wireless internet disconnected.

I reached the usual June-ish lull, where the lulz dry up. Yet somehow I posted 6 times in June. It would've been like 9 or some shit but I was all "hey I should be lazier than this".

The sharks are a hilarious football team. I read this in an article last week:

Police then arrested Elford and charged him with medical insurance fraud shortly after he'd met with the Sharks board, forcing Gallop to label the situation a "shemozzle".

(Gallop pictured)

That joke would've worked better if I could find a picture of the "Shemozzle" character from Full Frontal without the words "ERIC BANA" surrounding him.

I NOW DECLARE THIS RIOT OPEN! says:
also, maybe I shouldn't drink mother and drive...
77 Million Paintings say:
hehe a freudian slip?

"Also the exam is 2 hours long"
"2 hours, for just one exam"

(I will stop the Two Hearts jokes now. I promise.)

My sister asked: "Is the nile ... that river... that has like...dead bodies in it?"

I told my other sister: "If you can't handle the heat, get out of the grinder"

naz: holy crap
naz: mum just said "do you want a punch in the face"

"Yes" - Greg Kinnear

I studied for my upcoming exam by watching The IT Crowd.

I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago, the last uni soccer comp match happened. And because only Scott, Jimmh and Jared turned up, I became a fill-in player. Then we heard "Two Hearts" on the radio (which was actually just audio from MusicMax) which was quite bizarre and unnerving. Then halfway through the soccer match one of the guys who'd already played joined us as another sub. There were two subs, in just one team.

(Boy that was a long setup for little payoff at the end. Kinda like Phil Collins' career really.)

"JD Fortune Sacked, Living in Car"

I actually saw that headline. I feel no further comment can do it any justice.

This update may be a bit lacklustre, because this week hasn't been as hi'larious. I said I was gonna name my son Larious, but it's too much like Darius Boyd. I hate him solely because of his name.

And because he's a queenslander. But that's the runner-up reason.

Some guy got actual LAPTOP!'d

"China Finds its Children's Products Unsafe"

Also, in the duh pile of headlines, "Daily Alcohol Can Lead to Binge Drinking"

There's this ad for toblerine. The woman in it who ends up eating the toblerone triangle HAS A TRIANGLE FACE. I do not want to think about Sam while eating confectionary.

"Delicate Sound of Thunder" - Shaun Micallef

A great headline: "Nader: McAuliffe Offered Me Money to Pull Out in 04"

I thought third parties were immune to sex scandals.

I'm so awesome and hardcore that despite coming down with the sickness two days before an exam, I turned up and did it anyway.

Our cat has been bringing unwanted fleas into the house. One jumped into my sister's chocolate milk.

We don't need a flea circus. In fact, we could probably do with a flea holocaust.

"THAT'S FLEAISM!"

"I thoroughly enjoyed watching" - Ray "Rabbs" Warren on his own TV show

Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al started playing during the party. It just wasn't the same without Chevy Chase playing the bongos.

"They look fit, almost like greyhounds" - Sterlo coming out of the closets

I must remind a friend to get a keytar. I also suggested a silver jacket (proper attire for the instrument).

[put geoff here](Yeah, technically he's not wearing a jacket. But I couldn't find any images of Geoff Downes playing keytar AND wearing a silver jacket. The internet is useless. Next thing you know I'll be forced to use a picture of old Wetton when making a Larks' Tongues joke. Or Greg Lake speaking French.)

"Mr Rudd's deputy Julia Gillard and Health Minister Nicola Roxon joined the fray, saying Ramsay should confine himself to the kitchen and stop abusing woman."

A woman used a "get back in the kitchen" joke!

Morgan says:
hmm
it seems chris [bargreaves] lists his interests as women AND men

"King Crimson" - the dad from Malcolm in the Middle

While trying to figure out ways to raise loft money, Carlin suggested a Ponzi scheme.

I said "Sam can you shout me a beer?" According to Jimmh this is the funniest sentence uttered.

I prefer to think that the opening line of a Wikipedia article is:

"Striborg is an ambient black metal artist from Tasmania."

Bad Trails: "Brian Eno once called it, along with penultimate track "What You Want", the future of music."
Bad Trails: I can imagine Brian Eno sitting exactly 15 years ago as he sat now
Bad Trails: going "this is the future of music"
Bad Trails: I can imagine him 15 years from now saying "This is the future of music"
Bad Trails: and the nurse in the oldfolks' home goes "yes, Brian, the coffee tables are the future of music"
Bad Trails: do you reckon every single 70s album he comes across he goes "This is the past of music"
Bad Trails: or if he's standing at a concert rocking out he's all "This is the present of music"

"Does Luke...Davico have two functioning ... eyeballs?"

The Two Trivia Jokes That Got Read Out and Cheered

Or, How I got $14 Worth of Voucher and Consumed Nothing

Going in reverse chronological order, and ascending hilarity:

#2 "I saw Brett Kimmorley last week. Then he got injured next game. A pity I don't see more Knights players."

#1 "A statistician murdered 3 people last week. Police say the attacks were random and normally distributed."

...

...

"BOO!" (Tim-style)

"King Crimson!" - Conan O'Brien

An interviewer said to Gordon Brown that people suggest he is a loser. He replied "I think you'll find if you look back that I win a lot of the time."

A newsreader, after describing an electroshock therapy story as "shocking news", relayed the statistic that 1/10 electroshock sessions is authorised, or approved, or something like that. He decided to contribute "That means 9/10 aren't!"

"You go brain dead when you shoot yourself in the foot" - Tigers coach Tim Sheens on why he's a footballer and not a medical practitioner

In the same game, an AFLer kicked an own goal, and tried to join an onfield fight, except his swing completely missed contact with anything.

"Coach Paul Roos couldn't even look at him as he left the field," followed by a shot of him watching the player walk past.

Jimmh's event-based gathering to celebrate 19 years of continual existence occurred last Saturday. Trivial Pursuit was played (both Star Wars type and regular wars); a question was read out that resembled severely a question we got in Bar Trivia the last Wednesday we'd turned up. Cries of "Boo", "laptop" and "Lando Calrissian" rang out through the night.

I also answered a question about an Australian actor with "Bryan Brown", in a Peter Moon-style ponce accent because I didn't know the actual answer.

Sam and Merry were there! Joe and I had a lively discourse about The Office, and why Blondie's "Atomic" kept reminding him of Heart's "Barracudda". Also, his brother may have heard of Robert Fripp, which is the second greatest King Crimson-related discovery this week after witnessing their performance on LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN.

Scott and Tim rocked out on Guitar Hero to Freebird. It blew my mind.

Sam said he was going to bring a present back from Europe; I asked if he could get me something that was cheap, for like 50 cents. He replied "Yeah, I'll get thousands of euro dollars." Currency convertion jokes for the win.

I can now add Hosford's brother Hosford to the list of people I have made laugh their drink right out their mouths (the other entries are Sam, Hosford and Spinks). Later on he bought a set of matchbox cars of GM models, so you know what that means. GM finally sold something!

I also took a detour to kick a tree.