99 Luftposts

I found the greatest website ever made, by Tyler Fox.

tylerfox.com
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Trivia Bob played a Muse song as one of the music trivia questions. Hosford air-drummed frenetically and got laughed at by two separate groups at pleasingly symmetrical angles.

Tom said he saw American Psycho on the weekend and I asked him if afterward he slept with Reese Witherspoon and Chloe Sevigny.

Here are amusing headlines:
Cop resigns after seeing midget porn show
Road workers paint over hedgehog
"No remorse" for spatula attack

This particular one is so awesome I needed to separate it from the rest:

Bear forced to ride motorbike on highwire

"I'm surprisingly aroused by that" - Paul Reiser

I saw JimM at bar trivia. He snuck up behind me and gave me a bear hug. I made a joke about a rape whistle. He then started drawing an animal; we guessed it was a pleisiosaur, a turtle and a The Loch Ness Monster but it turned out it was a lapras.

This quote was in a news article I have fortunately forgotten:

"[Tony Abbott] was especially enamoured with her earlier performance of All The Lovers, which featured 25 dancers undressing and gyrating around a wedding cake-shaped set."

Flying on a Blue Dream says: do you know where the croatian club is?
morgan says: no I don't but I've heard about it
morgan says: go to the polish centre
morgan says: close enough
morgan says: LOL

"I call it hindu banjo" - Paul Hester

"I have American cash...it smells like Monopoly money" - intrepid Australian Columbus Hosford (did Columbus have a sidekick with red hair and a triangular face?)

(Also, I hope their trip didn't bring syphilis back to the New World)

This headline is so insane I didn't click through the article, because I knew it wouldn't be as awesome as the image in my head: Tycoon jailed for clinging onto helicopter

also

Triathlete chomped by gator

I've waited my whole life to see the word "chomp" used in a headline.

Naked Cowboy threatens Naked Cowgirl

Clearly he realised he'd be bankrupt by the end of the week.

Model arrested for 'letting teen boys grope her'

Best. Model. Ever.

I pointed out to Tom that Christian Bale in the movie Reign of Fire looked exactly like him.

RJ said, "That can't be true. Christian Bale is hot."

naz: remember that time your dad started laughing at midget ice skating or something
morgan: OH
lol
the paralympics
midget weightlifting
and he only laughed when he couldn't lift the weight

"Lucky! Don't eat the cake!"

My sister was listening to a certain Muse song in her room and I heard it from my vantage point (baha Dennis Quaid) at the computer.

Flying on a Blue Dream says:
i knew it was microcuts before seeing your pmessage
AAUAUAUAUAUAUAUUAU WAAYAYAAAAUAOAOAOOOOUUUUUU
- Matt Bellamy
ALLIEgator! says:
are you drunk?
Flying on a Blue Dream says:
no
matt bellamy is

I read a headline "Great Train Robber Briggs in hospital". If I had a train I'd name it "Robber Briggs".

"I understand his body would ejaculate only energy" - Roger Ebert on Dr Manhattan

Hosford: man, i had a dream where i was listening to green is the colour and got bored of it and wanted to skip
Hosford: WHAT AN ABSURD DREAM

The absurdity is because everyone skips Green is the Colour. Except Sam. If I had to sum up Sam's music taste with a colour, I would say vomit is the colour.

Tyler was telling me about his novel. "It's called 'Tyler Fox: The Greatest Man Alive'...by Tyler Fox."

I replied, "So it's fiction then."

Someone used this as a trivia name; "What did the deaf mute and blind kid get for Christmas? Cancer." A guy in the crowd shouted out "TOO SOON."

I can't help but think these headlines are all connected:

-Three year old boy arrested as terror suspect in France

-Pigeon held on suspicion of spying

-Woman driver shoots herself

Man, all these jokes are from June. Except this one, which is from February last year:

"Bach was a little faggot" - Hosford

...I really don't want to know the context of that one.

"I'll smack your face" - James Woods

2:35pm - i saw michael hagan today, right in charlestown
2:37pm - that was my reaction too, dignified silence

Someone mentioned 1999. Hosford quipped "1999...Melbourne's only premiership year"

"What's a Bieber?"
"It's a type of tropical fish"

I saw someone in the credits of a TV show called Jennifer Chew. (That was the name of the person, not the TV show. If there was it'd probably be about a superhero called The Masticator.)

I remarked "How's that for a last name, Chew."

Allison replied "If I had that last name, I'd call my child Pika."

Goran was ranked 18th Hottest Croatian Male Movie Star of All Time (OF ALL TIME) on some list. Hosford announced "there must be some fuckin hot Croatian cinema."

naz: there was an ad on musicmax a few times
naz: it showed the word TIMELESS over madonna, whose music is about as timeless as her hideous face
naz: then it showed UNFORGETTABLE over some footage that even if i had seen before i wouldve forgotten
naz: and finally IMMORTAL over michael jackson

"Tom Selleck!" - Allison

RJ: i like the sentiment of Undisclosed Desires
hosford: yeah i like the sentiment too
hosford: as a male who nevertheless appreciates matt bellamy's attractiveness, the 4 minute sentiment of 'i'm a raging homo' gives me hope

I was doing the sudoku in the newspaper, and it was right underneath the big crossword. So I was browsing the clues, one was "Kurt Cobain's group (7)".

I filled in "dead men".

naz: man the FOABP tour dvd is coming out soon
naz: ill finally be able to experience a steven wilson 5.1 mix and see what its like
hos: heh
hos: you'll foabp over it every night

"sex robots" - William Fichtner

I wandered over to the table, which was covered with garbage from a previous meal, an empty cup, and some unsanitary-looking spills. Hudson was complaining that he had no friends. I responded, "You have many friends, like ... cup"

My sister keeps saying "Emerson Lake & LOLmer" to one of her friends. Keith Emerson responded by stabbing her Hammond organ. Luckily we're only looking after it for her other friend, the Spencer Davis Group.

Grenada man "friends with beheaded man"

That friendship must be awkward. "Jesus! That guy has no head!" "Oh, it's okay, he's with me."

Plot to kill Pope thwarted - another awesome headline. (Apparently Stone Rockford was thwarted.)

Speaking of Tyler, he inadvertently (or maybe vertently) insulted Ewan McGregor. This chapped RJ's bridge. She responded by informing Tyler of all the things Ewan McGregor has that Tyler hasn't, concluding with "Ewan McGregor has banged more famous chicks than you, Tyler."

I responded, "Only one more."

Later someone submitted the trivia joke "What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 3 stone" to which Tyler yelled "Learn the metric system!"

I wrote down "VANGELIS KICKS ASS" as the answer to a question I didn't know. Levi asked whether that was the actual answer.

It should've been.

I heard that a day later Trivia Bob got beaten up by some Greek guy with a keyboard.

While Levi was on the Ninemsn website I saw the headline "Disturbing" pedophile file found in bin accompanied by a picture of a couple holding a baby. It was only after I laughed at "pedophile file" that I realised the picture was to a different story, about an IVF baby. Then I laughed some more.

I saw Sam Rockwell dancing on Letterman. It was almost as impressive as his dancing in Moon. Which, in turn, wasn't as impressive as his moonwalk.

*drumkit falls over*

I read the following sentence on a website. "If you recall, last week we took an airplane ride over Chordland". I don't recall any sort of plane ride, let alone one over the greatest country ever.

morgo: i've been seeing moon everywhere now
nazza: it's coz it's up in the sky

Hosford partook in a uni game called "Assassin", where participants assassinate each other by pressing their student ID cards against their target. If only JFK was playing, then he would've had a chance. John Lennon would've been screwed anyway though.

Hosford had managed through sheer luck to survive most of the term without being assassinated, although his assassin, a man named Hammond, had walked right by without realising. He also happened to turn up to the one trivia session that Hosford was late for.

Having got through another trivia session alive, Hosford began to celebrate when Hammond snuck up behind him and assassinated him.

I quipped, "In Soviet Russia, Hammond stabs you!"

.

I was reading a "scary" "story" involving an experiment, sorry, an "experiment", involving "sleep deprivation". "I" "read" "the" following "comment" on it:

You actually do go crazy if you lack enough sleep. Some DJ in Denmark went the world record (11 days, I think) and started to play the same music over and over again without realizing it.

That DJ later worked at NXFM.

"That's not fair! Christian Bale doesn't have a kraken"

My trivia name last week was:

I'm Jimmy Fallon, and I'm too busy laughing to deliver my joke.

...

It got booed.

"progressive rock" - Jimmy Barnes

Nazza:
oh jay
"Buzz Aldrin was kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. For some reason, on the moon, he seemed so much lighter on his feet."
Hosford:
ahah
I saw that as it happened
it angered me
Nazza:
the joke or the kicking off?
did they literally boot him
"one small step for man, one giant shoe up your ass"

Morgan was wondering what to include on the upcoming mix CD he's making me. "I'm thinking more along the lines of 70s experimental rock, that's up your alley isn't it?"

I agreed.

"It'll probably be less like King Crimson, more like Ace of Base."

Alec remarked "I didn't understand half the words you just said."

Amazing Headlines
Giant pendulum knocks over model
...
Stoned man fined for abducting koala
...
Palin dumps rapper from Fox News show
...
Fatest ever Ferrari to take to the road
!!!

Trivia Bob's gimmick for a recent trivia session was playing the first minute or so of a song as the question, the answer being the song and who it was by. They were mostly shit. One of them (number 8) was Losing My Religion. When he did his usual "Tell me which questions you want repeated", we said number 8. Immediately several people in surrounding tables moaned "How could you not know that one? Are you like stupid or something?"

We just really wanted to hear a good song again.

Totally worth it.

"They need to jack off on live TV more" - Hosford on morning show hosts

Brett called Trivia Bob a gnome. I suggested he was more like a troll; "You can only get past if you answer me these questions three...times six...plus two."

Hudson, thinking he knew the answer, blurted out "8!"

Jim K: "Who wants a fruit tingle?"
Nazza: "You make my fruit tingle"

"The most fascinating thing about [Al Pacino] is his face" - Brian DePalma

"Who closed this door?"
"I did, it's too cold"
"Put a jacket on!"
"You put a jacket on...your mouth"

I did not put a jacket on my mouth, despite sibling insistence.

Levi snatched my Vanilla Coke from right under my hands and took a swig. "Do you have any transmittable diseases?" I asked before drinking the now soiled-with-Levi bottle. "Yes," he replied. As I was drinking he added, "Chlamydia."

I nearly choked.

H: I'll need formal case in points, and some academic talking about shit
N: "I present to you Exhibit A: Chris Squire. Proof that 80s beards are crimes against humanity."
N: and then the judge stands up and HE HAS AN 80S BEARD

Avatar came up in discussion. RJ pointed out that "that was supposed to be our first proper date and you guys crashed it." She then turned to Scott and asked what they should do for their next date. "Laser tag?"

"Yeah okay," Scott replied, then turned to Jim K and asked "Want to join us?"

RJ facepalm-sighed.

"You know what'd be better than Dharma and Greg?"
"A steaming turd and some grass"
"Dharma and Jeff...rey Dahmer"

Hos: heh 2006 Time Person of the Year
Hos: I forget who it was in 06
Hos: someone shit
Naz: it was YOU
Naz: AHAHAHAHA