"The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter"

"The lime has a particularly lurid expression on his face."

Hundreds of U.S. colleges and universities were micro-managing student discourse via speech codes that banned everything from "insulting sounds" to "faxes sexual in nature."

There seems to be a recurring theme in the articles I'm reading of inanimate objects doing it.

While Discussing a Contiki Tour of America:

jimh: apparently [it's] run by the same company as the tourist helicopter cruise which went down last week
nazza: use sam as a parachute
jimh: "holy shit its a shooting star"
jimh: "not just that, it's a red dwarf"

I warned a friend that my MSN display picture wasn't a picture of me. Hers was of the sun. She said, "my dp is obviously me". I responded "yes, you are a bright orb who gives people cancer".

During the Friday boat trivia night a group of questions involved identifying which movie the corresponding movie poster represented. I hilariously failed and when the Twilight poster appeared the crowd booed virulently. Most of the booing came from Jim Kaston and Levi. It was great.

While at Customs House, Hosford kept suggesting that the dance music should have a bongo solo. Then at a bar with a TV playing music videos, he suggested that every song played would be better with a bongo solo. Then, they played Renegades of Funk. IT HAD A BONGO SOLO.

Also everyone got rick roll'd because when they entered the place the TV played "Never Gonna Give You Up".

My sister was telling the family about how Hitler would throw tantrums if he didn't get his way. "He used to roll on the ground and chew the carpet."

My mum replied, "You used to eat paper."

"I like men" - Scott

Levi was on MSN so I ninja-struck and typed "poo" on his keyboard then pressed enter. But he had caps lock on and was talking to someone in the middle of a lecture. It was awesome. On a sidenote, I'm pretty sure the designer of the computer keyboard deliberately put "P" and "O" so close together, and "A" and "S" so close together.

I tried to do the same to Tim but he had dvorak setting on so I ended up saying "lrr".

Last Friday RJ said that Scott looked like Brandon Flowers. At this point Hosford and I burst into laughter.

Levi was lying down on a table, so Hosford said "Someone punch him in the crotch! So I can massage it better."

Levi replied, "Only if you do it with your mouth."

Absurd Headline of the Week:
"Fijian church says no pants on Sundays"

"WHO'S THIS GUY ON MY TAZO"

69th post!

I got an email, "Win a Gisbon SG Special Guitar signed by Jet". That's kinda like going, "Win the original painting of Geurnica, covered with dog shit!"

In philosophy we were discussing hedonism, the belief that bodily pleasure is the route to a good life. This guy spoke up and said, "So there's wisdom in being a slut?"

The teacher apprehensively agreed.

"So my sister isn't as ditzy as I thought."

I have a new musical aphorism, "Making shit up half the time is awesome". The awesome thing is, one of Confucius' teachings said pretty much exactly the same thing except classier.

"Is Jason Gillespie substitutable for penis"

"How do you feel about some other guy lying on top of your wife" - Dr Phil

Here's something no one will understand except me: Dr Feelgood doing the Hammer shuffle.

"I broke something in my pants"

My sister and I were watching an episode of South Park involving Mr Hankey. At one point mum came over to watch. After sitting through most of the episode she queried, "Is that a talking shit?"

Great News Article Openings:
A Gainesville father has been arrested for hitting his daughter with a pizza slice.

No one'll steal jokes from this update!

"people rip off Iggy Pop more than Iggy Pop rips off his shirts"

Splashing bandaid rivers. says:
-oh i forgot to mention
-i had sex last night
Roulette Dares says:
-has your brother gone to the police yet?

"The audience ends, like almost every other scene in the narrative, with an orgy." - Wikipedia description of a book by the guy sadism is named after

Headline: "One dead, one hurt after lake fall" (Damn Greg Lake, being so fat)

"Pen your Ted exploded" - my sister being retarded

Balance the thoughts that release within you:
figures that at this junction my hair is also coolest
Pin the donkey on the tale:
teehee junction
Balance the thoughts that release within you:
that's not a real street
along with "Baha Street" and "WTF Are You On About Terrace"

Quote a vague aphorism of marginal wit:
wait what am I doing in this conversation I don't exist

There was a specially themed trivia last week, where all the questions were based around crappy songs. Because I knew the answers to all the crappy songs, my prize was a CD set of all the crappy songs.

Arlen Specter booed himself. But, it would've been far better if he did it Kaston-style.

I also won two prizes for the "get your funny quote written in the name section read out" part of trivia with two jokes I have already used on this here brick (including one that Jim Kaston had already used, but with the set-up inexplicably altered so the joke made no sense).

Levi kicked his ipod. I approve of this technoviolence. Unfortunately it was a hilarious accident and not intentional. Even more unfortunately, it survived. Fortunately it had Strawberry Fields Forever on it.

But anyway, fortune doesn't exist! Fatalist fagues.

Also holy shit that's the best misspelling since "xompletely".

"It is also a question of art a bit...and a garden gnome"

Levi is the panacea to my rage apparently.

"Stories about playing with matches do not have happy endings." - Wikipedia

"Man I hate box" - Hosford
"Man I hate Hosford" - box

For reasons far too complicated to go into at present, Jimh came up with a new element based on four elements.

jimh -'heliarsodium'
jimh - helium, arsenic, gold, lawrencium
naz - pssh
naz - helium, arsenic, old and sodium
jimh - OLD
jimh - that'd be a great elemert
naz - one day I'll change my name to Elemert
jimh - "what's the half-life of old?" "about 25 years"

Summary of a 24 episode: "Jack got TASED (again)"

I want to see Jack Bauer go "don't tase me bro!" Then he'd shout "dammit" as they did. I would've made that joke better but there was no time! Dammit Audrey!

Some Chinese philosophy in the very course outline for Chinese philosophy:

How will my tutorial paper be marked? Your tutorial paper will be marked out of 10.

While Morgan was discussing a moot trial law thingo that was on the next day, some girl entered the conversation and asked him what he was talking about. He told her it was a class on being awesome. She said "No really, what is it." He replied it was a lecture...on being awesome. "No really." A law lecture about...how to be awesome. This was dragged out longer than necessary. Which only made it funnier.

I also met Guy B"ob"evan"s". The conversation opener was "It's really easy to take your pants off in the library." There was really no way it could get any better than that, but somehow it did.

Theo recommended I get a bouncer for my house, "the tallest person can be the bouncer."
"But James Merry never turns up to anything!"
"Okay, the tallest and biggest person can be the bouncer."
"A combination of Merry and Joe!"
"Merry and Joe piggibacking."
...
"That's hot."

also the crazy lecturer

Crazy Headlines:
"US TV Anchor calls Kevin Rudd a Serial Killer"
"Tiger Woods 'fart' video causes stink"

"That's genocide" - Jim Cramer on Kevin Rudd (no joke)

Also after I read the story about the man who killed 5 people gunning down a dance class in Pennsylvania, I quipped "it's murder on the dancefloor".

My mum was watching some horrid ghost hunter type show (she changed the channel from Conan O'Brien because she hates him because he's Irish) and this one guy was sitting out in a field of grass at night to "gather" "evidence" of paranormal activity.

He could see some things flittering about in the darkness, and it cut to a shot of him talking after the event. NO JOKE this is exactly what he said: "The first thing I thought was: is this fairy activity?"

There's a Columbian rebel group called FARC. It's awesome.

Great Youtube Quotes For the Ages: "I'VE PROBLE (sic) FUCKED YOUR MOM SON"

Some guy on IMDb asked for a script to Koyaanisqatsi. If you don't get this joke, go and get yourself goddamn cultured.

I have no idea why I was having this conversation with my sister:

"Where were you up to?" (in reading something)
" 'underaged whore' "
"You mean 'underaged slut' "

When Jimh and I were walking to the train station in Newcastle, after recording our EP in the studio, this car pulled up and the guy driving it asked us where Customs House was. We didn't know. Then as soon as they drove off I looked up and saw Customs House was across the road.

"I got the buttsex part, just not Pokémon" (I also have no idea who said this or why, it is a mystery)

When Jim Kaston was anagramming his name, he noted "the word 'homo' seems to be popping up with disturbing regularity".

I noted "It kinda worries me that my name can anagram the words 'horny' and 'oral'."

The aforementioned sister left an MSN conversation open while not on the computer, so I sat down and went to write "I suck" in the window. I accidentally wrote "I scuk".

1 says: I scuk
guy says: huh?
1 says: scuking is the new dance craze
guy says: ah k

"Heh...Fat Old Sun...do you reckon David Gilmour's dad calls him that?"

"I don't enjoy logic" - the woman in my philosophy class


Marvin the Paranoid Android says:
i won a competition to go play the new wolfenstein game at Atomic HQ
Roulette Dares says:
i won a competition "crappiest haircut ive got this year"
Roulette Dares says:
i was the only entrant
Marvin the Paranoid Android says:
gahahaha