"I really want to make like films or TV shows so I can have the main suit-wearing big authority character say real important stuff, and end it with 'and shit':"
"Mister Jibbler, we really want you to reconsider attending this dance course. You don't fit in. I'm afraid if you don't improve we're going to let you go and shit"
"No, it has to be a serious crime show, and he's like:"
"accountable for 7 counts of rape and murder in the first degree...and shit"
I read about a man who was physically unable to play music as his terminal illness got worse, and I discussed this with a musician friend (who happens to be a drummer). For the purposes of this anecdote we'll call him...Hosford.
Coz that's his name.
He decided that terminal illness would not stop him from playing;
"I'll be Robert Carlyle man. As I die, my deadening pain all over will dim the sharper conparatively weakass fatigue cramps and pains, and I'll start just Danny DeVito busting out from being entirely numbed by the shutdown of my every bodily system.
"I feel no pain therefore I can attack Pierce Brosnan with confident vigour."
All our discussions of gardening end with him "raking the moon".
I don't know whether that's a really great joke or a really bad one.
I should be shot for being so funny. But I'm not in Belgium.
Okay that was too obscure a reference, and also I'm only a quarter Irish.
Hos:
but i guess what i'm saying in simple terms
and to semiquote dumbledore
is
Naz:
"I'm a gay wizard. Fuck you"
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Kidnapped UK woman escapes pirate rape
Since I'm as formulaic as a Jay Leno joke, I'll list the rest of the uncanny headlines here (and interject with a Jay Leno-style opening monologue):
Nude photographer loses clothes at airport
"It turns out he left his clothes in his Toyota."
US woman pleads to selling kids for bird
"In her defence she said 'I'm just like Tiger Woods!' " *no audience reaction* "You know, 'coz bird can also mean woman."
I slapped pupils in face: Pope's brother
"Just like Tiger Woods' wife slapped him!"
Irish 'plot to kill Swedish cartoonist'
"By driving a Toyota!"
Asteroid to blame for dinosaur extinction
"Tiger Woods!"
Alternately, for a cheap(er) laugh he could've added the insightful commentary of "No duh. *chin waggle*"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
"should the article on feces include this picture of a large human turd?" - Wikipedia
Wow. The parents have been away two days, and I've already managed to kill two fish says:
Why the fuck are you up?
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
YOU KILLED CHRIS SQUIRE AND DEREK K. DICK FROM MARILLION?!
Best sportsnewswoman ever?
"Everton constantly referred to "balls" in tweets about Premier League football games before the Twitter clampdown."
No, the best sportsnewswoman ever is Sarah Jones. OBVIOUSLY you guys.
bryce m. says:
well, you kinda have to
wtf, lol, I just had the randomest flashback
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
were you sitting around a table at vietnam playing russian roulette
bryce m. says:
no.
Hargreaves pointed to Little Lion Man's video clip as proof that I could replace Hosford with my feet and a kickdrum. Here is the relevant transcript.
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
ahaha i need someone to blame when things go wrong
"no, i didnt write this piece of shit song, it was hosford's"
"uh dude i was there when you wrote it, you showed me it and everything"
*throws hosford at them and runs away*
Wow. The parents have been away two days, and I've already managed to kill two fish says:
I completely understand how Accrylic steel worked now
Only
Dave wrote circles
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
haha
he only had one good song in him
unfortunately that song was an unreleased B-side where he played harmonica and insulted sam
I'm going to start live blogging now. Here's the conversation I just had!
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
i need a quick joke for the brick say something stupid/funny
In June you must give fascists hell. says:
what a genius cross rhythm
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
AHAHAH
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
also it was i who insulted sam
see what i did there, i passed it off as daves work
*throws a dave then runs*
Nude photographer loses clothes at airport
"It turns out he left his clothes in his Toyota."
US woman pleads to selling kids for bird
"In her defence she said 'I'm just like Tiger Woods!' " *no audience reaction* "You know, 'coz bird can also mean woman."
I slapped pupils in face: Pope's brother
"Just like Tiger Woods' wife slapped him!"
Irish 'plot to kill Swedish cartoonist'
"By driving a Toyota!"
Asteroid to blame for dinosaur extinction
"Tiger Woods!"
Alternately, for a cheap(er) laugh he could've added the insightful commentary of "No duh. *chin waggle*"
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
"should the article on feces include this picture of a large human turd?" - Wikipedia
Wow. The parents have been away two days, and I've already managed to kill two fish says:
Why the fuck are you up?
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
YOU KILLED CHRIS SQUIRE AND DEREK K. DICK FROM MARILLION?!
Best sportsnewswoman ever?
"Everton constantly referred to "balls" in tweets about Premier League football games before the Twitter clampdown."
No, the best sportsnewswoman ever is Sarah Jones. OBVIOUSLY you guys.
bryce m. says:
well, you kinda have to
wtf, lol, I just had the randomest flashback
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
were you sitting around a table at vietnam playing russian roulette
bryce m. says:
no.
Hargreaves pointed to Little Lion Man's video clip as proof that I could replace Hosford with my feet and a kickdrum. Here is the relevant transcript.
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
ahaha i need someone to blame when things go wrong
"no, i didnt write this piece of shit song, it was hosford's"
"uh dude i was there when you wrote it, you showed me it and everything"
*throws hosford at them and runs away*
Wow. The parents have been away two days, and I've already managed to kill two fish says:
I completely understand how Accrylic steel worked now
Only
Dave wrote circles
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
haha
he only had one good song in him
unfortunately that song was an unreleased B-side where he played harmonica and insulted sam
I'm going to start live blogging now. Here's the conversation I just had!
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
i need a quick joke for the brick say something stupid/funny
In June you must give fascists hell. says:
what a genius cross rhythm
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
AHAHAH
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
also it was i who insulted sam
see what i did there, i passed it off as daves work
*throws a dave then runs*
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Surfer fights off shark
Hosford 1 asked Hosford the Lesser to make him a sandwich.
"Make me a sandwich."
"I'll make you a penis," was the witty retort.
"A small one," Hosford replied absent-mindedly. "Wait -"
II.
I wrote down a quote from that TV show where the cops are New Zealanders and the narrator is also a New Zealander. I really should watch that show more often. Comedy bronze. Anyway, the quote was "Operation Trojan swung into action".
I could've just written that as
"Operation Trojan swung into action" - kiwi narrator
but I didn't. I'm not really sure why.
PSYCHE!
III.
Ellie
thats gross man
Nazza
what is?
Ellie
Clutching at straws, still drowning says: (7:19:40 PM)
you know what i want to see in a film
Clutching at straws, still drowning says: (7:19:43 PM)
someone get beat to death with maraccas
Nazza
lol
well heaps of films are violent nowadays
i just want the violence to cater to my taste
if id said "you know what i want to see in a documentary"
that would be a different matter
"Kevin Costner Debuts Album"
I'm so vain I think the song is about me, and it was written 20 years before I was born.
Here's an excerpt of me being a great brother:
ALLIEgator said:
why do people use similes?
Nazza said:
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD
TO COMPARE SHIT
I think I went a little overboard.
megan says:
sd
MEGAN UFIHDR
poopy
Ascension in incentive end says:
yes
megan says:
you are poop
shgfpru
aspergers
Ascension in incentive end says:
shgfpru is now allisons name
your last name is now ufihdr
megan says:
Huh?
The perils of leaving one's laptop unattended. i like poop
IV.
Nazza: teenagers are like children with adult bodies
Nazza: that's actually really scary to think about
Ellie: lol
Ellie: yeah
Ellie: s'pecially if ur banging one
How insane is that headline? I couldn't make an insaner headline in four words. "Kevin Costner". "Debuts". "Album". I get headaches thinking about it. It's genius.
"I'm confused
I'm a girl" - RJ out of context
"Make me a sandwich."
"I'll make you a penis," was the witty retort.
"A small one," Hosford replied absent-mindedly. "Wait -"
II.
I wrote down a quote from that TV show where the cops are New Zealanders and the narrator is also a New Zealander. I really should watch that show more often. Comedy bronze. Anyway, the quote was "Operation Trojan swung into action".
I could've just written that as
"Operation Trojan swung into action" - kiwi narrator
but I didn't. I'm not really sure why.
PSYCHE!
III.
Ellie
thats gross man
Nazza
what is?
Ellie
Clutching at straws, still drowning says: (7:19:40 PM)
you know what i want to see in a film
Clutching at straws, still drowning says: (7:19:43 PM)
someone get beat to death with maraccas
Nazza
lol
well heaps of films are violent nowadays
i just want the violence to cater to my taste
if id said "you know what i want to see in a documentary"
that would be a different matter
"Kevin Costner Debuts Album"
I'm so vain I think the song is about me, and it was written 20 years before I was born.
Here's an excerpt of me being a great brother:
ALLIEgator said:
why do people use similes?
Nazza said:
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD
TO COMPARE SHIT
I think I went a little overboard.
megan says:
sd
MEGAN UFIHDR
poopy
Ascension in incentive end says:
yes
megan says:
you are poop
shgfpru
aspergers
Ascension in incentive end says:
shgfpru is now allisons name
your last name is now ufihdr
megan says:
Huh?
The perils of leaving one's laptop unattended. i like poop
IV.
Nazza: teenagers are like children with adult bodies
Nazza: that's actually really scary to think about
Ellie: lol
Ellie: yeah
Ellie: s'pecially if ur banging one
How insane is that headline? I couldn't make an insaner headline in four words. "Kevin Costner". "Debuts". "Album". I get headaches thinking about it. It's genius.
"I'm confused
I'm a girl" - RJ out of context
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