"people has become less thinking" - a youtube comment

Pink dresses up as Rosie the Riveter in her latest music video. You'd think at least feminist iconography wouldn't be reappropriated by men.

"This must be what it's like to have angry sex" - Hosford after seeing footage of a 90s live performance of Tubular Bells

Bombers says:
-Twilight is an awful porno
-i'm like, "when are they going to get naked?" and they never do

At Bligh's party the suggestion of an Air album being played was thrown around. Hosford suggested putting on one of their ambient albums. " 'This is so good', 'there's another note in 20 minutes'." Bligh added, "I love this note! B sharp."

Hosford's brother Hosford made up a music quiz that we participated in jovially. One of the questions was "What is the best album of 2010?" (Odd Blood is the correct answer.) Hosford was having trouble deciding which was, so Hosford the Lesser passed Hosford the Fatter a note written on the back of a piece of card with Simpsons stickers on it. He'd written down his suggestion for best album of 2010, Post Paint.

Hosford wrote down the famed supergroup "Homer, Homer, Itchy, Scratchy, Homer, Krusty and Homer".

Ryan Reynolds in a box

What do Ryan Reynolds and a box have in common?
Their rectangular shape

What do you get when you put Ryan Reynolds in a box?
A box crusher

What's the difference between Ryan Reynolds and a box?
Their molecular structure

Why did Ryan Reynolds get into the box?
He wanted a pizza place

"Kevin Costner scored the second try for the Titans" - Ray Warren

For some reason Ray "Rabs" Warren kept referring to Clinton Toopi as Kevin Costner, which makes no sense because one's a capable athlete and the other is Clinton Toopi.

We were watching Yeasayer's Rage guest special and Hosford skipped through a few videos and pressed play right as Chris Keating said "fondled". Watching the clip in context didn't make much more sense.

I read this review of Keanu Reeves' acting on Youtube:
"he always looks crazy and says dumb stuff."

-when margaret and david review wall street 2
-when it comes time to give stars
-they should cross to tom piotrowski
-and he'll go "wall street is down 3 points today"

After seeing The Core I said to my sister "Yesterday I saw a movie where Two Face played a trumpet and saved the world."

She responded "was it...a jazz movie?"

One of the trivia questions asked was "What name did Samuel Clemens find fame under?"

I wrote "David Bowie".

Another was about the tallest mountain in New Zealand or probably not, it was like months ago, I don't remember. I wrote down "Mt. Mehard".

Man charged with sexual assault on train

I didn't know you could assault a transportation.

Walk the Nile says:
- i actually had someone tell me they were disappointed in me and i totally expected them to say "son i am disappoint" and they didnt
- so i was like "son
- i am disappoint"

Aaron Eckhart playing a trumpet

"All he ever posts about is music, trumpet trumpet trumpet, why doesn't he marry the friggin' trumpet" - my sister on someone who isn't Aaron Eckhart

"I'm surprisingly aroused by that" - Paul Reiser

"They're diamonds!" - Stanley Tucci

I got new shoes, and as I was putting them on a character on TV said "I see you got new shoes." It was weird.

"Heath Ledger isn't my grandma, Heath Ledger isn't your grandma"

To be honest I do not remember the context for that one at all.

Hosford's Column of Wisdom
._
| |
._

Okay, that was a really awful joke. Here's the actual Wisdom:

-some woman was saying "They can strap a bomb to a kid just as easy as an adult"
-and I had 2 thoughts
-1. random
-2. how do you strap an adult to a kid?

This shows how long I've gone without posting. I have a quote about "showing a raiders player in a compromising position with a dog". Didn't that happen like in March?

"I'm surprisingly aroused by that" - Paul Reiser

"Was that John Wetton?" was typoed in an MSN conversation as "Wax that John Wetton". I would not like to wax John Wetton.

A Recount of Drunkenness:
-i was randomly saying shit to you on the beach
-and you were flipping me off
-and then were like "YOU'RE GAVIN HARRISON" really aggressively
-and without adding anything to it

"I'm surprisingly aroused by that" - Paul Reiser

"I hate the sky" - Aaron Eckhart

100!

hosford: bah
hosford: 30 seconds to mars Closer to the Edge
hosford: yeah thats the hallmark of a prog band, regressively homaging past prog bands
nazza: "close to the edge? fuck that, we're closer!"
hosfird: what are you dream theater
nazza: we should name a song "So Close to the Edge That We're Practically The Edge Itself"
nazza: the music will be repetitive looped guitar chiming

(I'd like to point out 3StM is not a prog band, or indeed a band. It's not even an acronym really, just a bunch of letters and a number thrown together. Also, 30 Seconds to Mars sucks.)

Here's a great headline:
Stones song inspires Adam Ant Rant at Church Gig

Here's another one:
Naked date 'locked in closet'

That one's about Charlie Sheen. He went all Bob Geldof (or for you hip young Muse fans, Justin Theroux) on a hotel room. He was naked while he did so. It was post-traumatic stress disorder; he kept getting flashbacks of Vietnam.

"I'm surprisingly aroused by that" - Paul Reiser

hos: i was listening to marquee moon on the iriver today
hos: the drumming's insane
hos: it's all really hard entirely from a rudiment point of view, rhythms and syncopations and other things sam can't do
hos: as opposed to my usual problem which is a song being too skillful or speedy
naz: ahah
naz: "other things sam cant do"
naz: is a nebulous concept the size of the universe itself
hos: yeah
hos: and expanding faster

99 Luftposts

I found the greatest website ever made, by Tyler Fox.

tylerfox.com
The document contains no data.

Trivia Bob played a Muse song as one of the music trivia questions. Hosford air-drummed frenetically and got laughed at by two separate groups at pleasingly symmetrical angles.

Tom said he saw American Psycho on the weekend and I asked him if afterward he slept with Reese Witherspoon and Chloe Sevigny.

Here are amusing headlines:
Cop resigns after seeing midget porn show
Road workers paint over hedgehog
"No remorse" for spatula attack

This particular one is so awesome I needed to separate it from the rest:

Bear forced to ride motorbike on highwire

"I'm surprisingly aroused by that" - Paul Reiser

I saw JimM at bar trivia. He snuck up behind me and gave me a bear hug. I made a joke about a rape whistle. He then started drawing an animal; we guessed it was a pleisiosaur, a turtle and a The Loch Ness Monster but it turned out it was a lapras.

This quote was in a news article I have fortunately forgotten:

"[Tony Abbott] was especially enamoured with her earlier performance of All The Lovers, which featured 25 dancers undressing and gyrating around a wedding cake-shaped set."

Flying on a Blue Dream says: do you know where the croatian club is?
morgan says: no I don't but I've heard about it
morgan says: go to the polish centre
morgan says: close enough
morgan says: LOL

"I call it hindu banjo" - Paul Hester

"I have American cash...it smells like Monopoly money" - intrepid Australian Columbus Hosford (did Columbus have a sidekick with red hair and a triangular face?)

(Also, I hope their trip didn't bring syphilis back to the New World)

This headline is so insane I didn't click through the article, because I knew it wouldn't be as awesome as the image in my head: Tycoon jailed for clinging onto helicopter

also

Triathlete chomped by gator

I've waited my whole life to see the word "chomp" used in a headline.

Naked Cowboy threatens Naked Cowgirl

Clearly he realised he'd be bankrupt by the end of the week.

Model arrested for 'letting teen boys grope her'

Best. Model. Ever.

I pointed out to Tom that Christian Bale in the movie Reign of Fire looked exactly like him.

RJ said, "That can't be true. Christian Bale is hot."

naz: remember that time your dad started laughing at midget ice skating or something
morgan: OH
lol
the paralympics
midget weightlifting
and he only laughed when he couldn't lift the weight

"Lucky! Don't eat the cake!"

My sister was listening to a certain Muse song in her room and I heard it from my vantage point (baha Dennis Quaid) at the computer.

Flying on a Blue Dream says:
i knew it was microcuts before seeing your pmessage
AAUAUAUAUAUAUAUUAU WAAYAYAAAAUAOAOAOOOOUUUUUU
- Matt Bellamy
ALLIEgator! says:
are you drunk?
Flying on a Blue Dream says:
no
matt bellamy is

I read a headline "Great Train Robber Briggs in hospital". If I had a train I'd name it "Robber Briggs".

"I understand his body would ejaculate only energy" - Roger Ebert on Dr Manhattan

Hosford: man, i had a dream where i was listening to green is the colour and got bored of it and wanted to skip
Hosford: WHAT AN ABSURD DREAM

The absurdity is because everyone skips Green is the Colour. Except Sam. If I had to sum up Sam's music taste with a colour, I would say vomit is the colour.

Tyler was telling me about his novel. "It's called 'Tyler Fox: The Greatest Man Alive'...by Tyler Fox."

I replied, "So it's fiction then."

Someone used this as a trivia name; "What did the deaf mute and blind kid get for Christmas? Cancer." A guy in the crowd shouted out "TOO SOON."

I can't help but think these headlines are all connected:

-Three year old boy arrested as terror suspect in France

-Pigeon held on suspicion of spying

-Woman driver shoots herself

Man, all these jokes are from June. Except this one, which is from February last year:

"Bach was a little faggot" - Hosford

...I really don't want to know the context of that one.

"I'll smack your face" - James Woods

2:35pm - i saw michael hagan today, right in charlestown
2:37pm - that was my reaction too, dignified silence

Someone mentioned 1999. Hosford quipped "1999...Melbourne's only premiership year"

"What's a Bieber?"
"It's a type of tropical fish"

I saw someone in the credits of a TV show called Jennifer Chew. (That was the name of the person, not the TV show. If there was it'd probably be about a superhero called The Masticator.)

I remarked "How's that for a last name, Chew."

Allison replied "If I had that last name, I'd call my child Pika."

Goran was ranked 18th Hottest Croatian Male Movie Star of All Time (OF ALL TIME) on some list. Hosford announced "there must be some fuckin hot Croatian cinema."

naz: there was an ad on musicmax a few times
naz: it showed the word TIMELESS over madonna, whose music is about as timeless as her hideous face
naz: then it showed UNFORGETTABLE over some footage that even if i had seen before i wouldve forgotten
naz: and finally IMMORTAL over michael jackson

"Tom Selleck!" - Allison

RJ: i like the sentiment of Undisclosed Desires
hosford: yeah i like the sentiment too
hosford: as a male who nevertheless appreciates matt bellamy's attractiveness, the 4 minute sentiment of 'i'm a raging homo' gives me hope

I was doing the sudoku in the newspaper, and it was right underneath the big crossword. So I was browsing the clues, one was "Kurt Cobain's group (7)".

I filled in "dead men".

naz: man the FOABP tour dvd is coming out soon
naz: ill finally be able to experience a steven wilson 5.1 mix and see what its like
hos: heh
hos: you'll foabp over it every night

"sex robots" - William Fichtner

I wandered over to the table, which was covered with garbage from a previous meal, an empty cup, and some unsanitary-looking spills. Hudson was complaining that he had no friends. I responded, "You have many friends, like ... cup"

My sister keeps saying "Emerson Lake & LOLmer" to one of her friends. Keith Emerson responded by stabbing her Hammond organ. Luckily we're only looking after it for her other friend, the Spencer Davis Group.

Grenada man "friends with beheaded man"

That friendship must be awkward. "Jesus! That guy has no head!" "Oh, it's okay, he's with me."

Plot to kill Pope thwarted - another awesome headline. (Apparently Stone Rockford was thwarted.)

Speaking of Tyler, he inadvertently (or maybe vertently) insulted Ewan McGregor. This chapped RJ's bridge. She responded by informing Tyler of all the things Ewan McGregor has that Tyler hasn't, concluding with "Ewan McGregor has banged more famous chicks than you, Tyler."

I responded, "Only one more."

Later someone submitted the trivia joke "What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 3 stone" to which Tyler yelled "Learn the metric system!"

I wrote down "VANGELIS KICKS ASS" as the answer to a question I didn't know. Levi asked whether that was the actual answer.

It should've been.

I heard that a day later Trivia Bob got beaten up by some Greek guy with a keyboard.

While Levi was on the Ninemsn website I saw the headline "Disturbing" pedophile file found in bin accompanied by a picture of a couple holding a baby. It was only after I laughed at "pedophile file" that I realised the picture was to a different story, about an IVF baby. Then I laughed some more.

I saw Sam Rockwell dancing on Letterman. It was almost as impressive as his dancing in Moon. Which, in turn, wasn't as impressive as his moonwalk.

*drumkit falls over*

I read the following sentence on a website. "If you recall, last week we took an airplane ride over Chordland". I don't recall any sort of plane ride, let alone one over the greatest country ever.

morgo: i've been seeing moon everywhere now
nazza: it's coz it's up in the sky

Hosford partook in a uni game called "Assassin", where participants assassinate each other by pressing their student ID cards against their target. If only JFK was playing, then he would've had a chance. John Lennon would've been screwed anyway though.

Hosford had managed through sheer luck to survive most of the term without being assassinated, although his assassin, a man named Hammond, had walked right by without realising. He also happened to turn up to the one trivia session that Hosford was late for.

Having got through another trivia session alive, Hosford began to celebrate when Hammond snuck up behind him and assassinated him.

I quipped, "In Soviet Russia, Hammond stabs you!"

.

I was reading a "scary" "story" involving an experiment, sorry, an "experiment", involving "sleep deprivation". "I" "read" "the" following "comment" on it:

You actually do go crazy if you lack enough sleep. Some DJ in Denmark went the world record (11 days, I think) and started to play the same music over and over again without realizing it.

That DJ later worked at NXFM.

"That's not fair! Christian Bale doesn't have a kraken"

My trivia name last week was:

I'm Jimmy Fallon, and I'm too busy laughing to deliver my joke.

...

It got booed.

"progressive rock" - Jimmy Barnes

Nazza:
oh jay
"Buzz Aldrin was kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. For some reason, on the moon, he seemed so much lighter on his feet."
Hosford:
ahah
I saw that as it happened
it angered me
Nazza:
the joke or the kicking off?
did they literally boot him
"one small step for man, one giant shoe up your ass"

Morgan was wondering what to include on the upcoming mix CD he's making me. "I'm thinking more along the lines of 70s experimental rock, that's up your alley isn't it?"

I agreed.

"It'll probably be less like King Crimson, more like Ace of Base."

Alec remarked "I didn't understand half the words you just said."

Amazing Headlines
Giant pendulum knocks over model
...
Stoned man fined for abducting koala
...
Palin dumps rapper from Fox News show
...
Fatest ever Ferrari to take to the road
!!!

Trivia Bob's gimmick for a recent trivia session was playing the first minute or so of a song as the question, the answer being the song and who it was by. They were mostly shit. One of them (number 8) was Losing My Religion. When he did his usual "Tell me which questions you want repeated", we said number 8. Immediately several people in surrounding tables moaned "How could you not know that one? Are you like stupid or something?"

We just really wanted to hear a good song again.

Totally worth it.

"They need to jack off on live TV more" - Hosford on morning show hosts

Brett called Trivia Bob a gnome. I suggested he was more like a troll; "You can only get past if you answer me these questions three...times six...plus two."

Hudson, thinking he knew the answer, blurted out "8!"

Jim K: "Who wants a fruit tingle?"
Nazza: "You make my fruit tingle"

"The most fascinating thing about [Al Pacino] is his face" - Brian DePalma

"Who closed this door?"
"I did, it's too cold"
"Put a jacket on!"
"You put a jacket on...your mouth"

I did not put a jacket on my mouth, despite sibling insistence.

Levi snatched my Vanilla Coke from right under my hands and took a swig. "Do you have any transmittable diseases?" I asked before drinking the now soiled-with-Levi bottle. "Yes," he replied. As I was drinking he added, "Chlamydia."

I nearly choked.

H: I'll need formal case in points, and some academic talking about shit
N: "I present to you Exhibit A: Chris Squire. Proof that 80s beards are crimes against humanity."
N: and then the judge stands up and HE HAS AN 80S BEARD

Avatar came up in discussion. RJ pointed out that "that was supposed to be our first proper date and you guys crashed it." She then turned to Scott and asked what they should do for their next date. "Laser tag?"

"Yeah okay," Scott replied, then turned to Jim K and asked "Want to join us?"

RJ facepalm-sighed.

"You know what'd be better than Dharma and Greg?"
"A steaming turd and some grass"
"Dharma and Jeff...rey Dahmer"

Hos: heh 2006 Time Person of the Year
Hos: I forget who it was in 06
Hos: someone shit
Naz: it was YOU
Naz: AHAHAHAHA

"Christian Bale" - Yon

My second movie-day happened two weeks ago. We watched Moon, Goodfellas, and Virtuosity. So two good movies.

The main characters for each were all shown naked at some point. I made note of this.

Goodfellas began with Joe Pesci repeatedly stabbing some guy. Hosford declared "This movie is going to be great."

Some other choice quotes from Hosford:

"ahahahahahahaha sexual assault"

"Now make me a sandwich" *after Ray Liotta slapped his wife*

He also burst out laughing while watching Spongebob. He was the only person to do so.

A scene's diegetic music went quiet as DeNiro started getting intense. Jim Kaston remarked, "I wish I had a stereo with adjustable volume based on the tension in the room."

Fichtner said of Russel Crowe: "He's evolving!" Unfortunately he did not evolve into Pikachu. Fortunately he didn't evolve into Machop either.

Sheen "threatened wife with knife"

Hosford saw Heat on the action movie channel. Then straight after it was Blade Runner. The movie channels played my movie-day exactly!

"Are Kraftwerk Dutch" - Josh Thomas

"He's not an actor" - Hosford on Ben Affleck

"Oops I forgot to put on a condom because I have no brain" - Josh Thomas on Ben Affleck

I read this probably on the internet:

The critical, negative coverage Dubai received from the international press prompted its ruler to to tell critics to "shut up".

Nazza: Hard-rock band AC/DC also has withheld its music from iTunes, saying the group is not interested in selling individual tracks.
Nazza: EVERY ALBUM THEY'VE SOLD IS AN INDIVIDUAL TRACK

Levi said "I watched an episode of Ally McBeal recently." He had a point in saying it, but I didn't notice because I was too busy having a fit of laughter.

Then I had a fit of epilepsy.

Wait that was Ian Curtis, my bad.

Piss on balloons in the jungle:
i know him mainly from judging amop
amy*
Flying on a Blue Dream:
judging a mop would be a great show

P.S. I used my "Dead Souls" joke at trivia yesterday. I knew that since Trivia Bob didn't get my Carly Simon joke or my 24 joke, or "Joe Pesci has a funny face", he wouldn't get a joke about Russian literature. He didn't get my back-up joke either ("I need to buy an iPad for my iMenstruation"), which I handed off to Hosford. The reason for this is because Hosford has atrocious handwriting.

"David Bowie slept with the queen?!" - RJ

Jim Kaston got a phonecall while hanging with the group. I said suggestively, "Put your shirt on." RJ added, "harder, harder!" We all giggled at our little prank. After the phonecall Jim turned to us and said, "FYI: work phone."

A trivia question was asked, along the lines of: "Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never spoke with his mother or his sister on one. Why?"

The correct answer was, because they were both deaf.

Guy B"everly Hillbilly"evan remarked, "Maybe he should've invented a hearing aid."

Lash of one thousand eyebrows clicking. says:
also i just remembered heh
Flying on a Blue Dream says:
...
like
you forgot that the word "heh" existed until now?
and you went "heh" then paused, and went "wait...I used to know that word! omg must tell the internet"

"I GOT ANGRY AT MATT BELLAMY'S FACE AND ENTIRE BODY" - Hosford reviewing the video clip for Undisclosed Desires

Random snippet of some shit from a website I don't remember:

When George W. Bush invited Reid for coffee in the Oval Office in the last weeks of his presidency, Bush’s dog walked in and Reid told the president: “Your dog is fat.”

"Nicole Kidman's face got her fired" - quote from a news article

Another trivia question involved what Donald Duck's middle name was. Brett suggested "Peking".

Yet another question was "What is the largest species of bear". I wrote as my answer "Bearoplane".

"Your two dads are gay"
"Your three mums are gay"
-conversation between two people, one presumably being Levi

I mistyped Google one time as Gogole. Instead of web searches it finds dead souls.

Let's all laugh at stuffy culture warriors. One apparently found an adult Japanese game for the first time, and described it thusly:

Rape is not an option on the menu; rape is the entire point of the game.

Makes me wonder what restaurants he's been going to.

"There's something about poms talking about Michael Jackson that really creeps me out" - Hosford's mother (one of them)

I was watching Entourage because I lacked the self-efficacy to kill myself. Kevin Dillon got an overload of awesome and freaked out because William Fichtner was in the room. Then Dean Cain walked in and he had a heart attack.

Then Jeremy Piven drew a naughty drawing. FOR MALCOLM MCDOWELL.

The Japanese game guy sent 369 complaints to the broadcaster. (He objected to seeing Kevin Dillon's face.)

Finally, to round out this formulaic entry, a vaguely amusing headline:

Man arrested for 'thinking of a cheeseburger'

"It's evolving into John Travolta!"

I was reading about someone who put LSD in bread in France, and sold it to everyone in the town. Wikipedia described the aftermath:

One man tried to drown himself, screaming that his belly was being eaten by snakes. An 11-year-old tried to strangle his grandmother. Another man shouted: "I am a plane", before jumping out of a second-floor window, breaking his legs.

It's funny because it happened in France.

"Tony Kaye is desperate to be taken seriously as an artist." - some guy on TV

I was watching football and James Maloney scored three times in a row. One commentator asked, "What do you call a hat trick where they score three in a row?"

There was a pause, and the other commentator replied: "A hat trick."

Naz: this morning's episode of The Prisoner was great
Naz: it was like saw but with a woman as the bad guy, and also it had cricket
Ell: brb
Ell: i need to get something at officeworks
Naz: i think we can agree all horror movies would be slightly better if they had cricket
Ell: okay
Naz: what an oxymoron!
Naz: take that microsoft word and excel
Ell: no talk of cricket either
Ell: lol cool
Ell: but no mention of cricket
Naz: why
Naz: did a relative who played cricket get killed by an exploding cricket ball, as happened in the episode?
Naz: actually that'd improve cricket too, every so often one of the balls explodes
Ell: NO
Naz: THEN michael clarke would have something to cry about

Future Hiro explains the future

(inspired by this Wikipedia article)

Future Hiro explains the future.

Nosebleed Hiro explains nosebleeds.





YMCA Hiro explains the YMCA.





Black Hiro explains black power.





Social Networking Hiro explains the Myspace shot.





Gangster Hiro says hello to your little friend.





...


I have no idea what's going on.





Future Hiro explains business casual.





The old man's expression explains impending rape.





This photo explains Zachary Quinto's waning career.

Hiro explains to Zachary Quinto how it's supposed to be done.





Future Hiro must be passing electric current because he's a babe magnet.





Future Hiro passing currant(s).





Men are from Mars, Future Hiro sleeps with Mars.





"Hey baby"





Oh my God! Future Hiro is Kevin Rudd!





Future Hiro explains diarrhoea.

"Amongst friends, one man urinating on another is merely a parlour game" - Hosford

"I really want to make like films or TV shows so I can have the main suit-wearing big authority character say real important stuff, and end it with 'and shit':"

"Mister Jibbler, we really want you to reconsider attending this dance course. You don't fit in. I'm afraid if you don't improve we're going to let you go and shit"

"No, it has to be a serious crime show, and he's like:"

"accountable for 7 counts of rape and murder in the first degree...and shit"

I read about a man who was physically unable to play music as his terminal illness got worse, and I discussed this with a musician friend (who happens to be a drummer). For the purposes of this anecdote we'll call him...Hosford.

Coz that's his name.

He decided that terminal illness would not stop him from playing;

"I'll be Robert Carlyle man. As I die, my deadening pain all over will dim the sharper conparatively weakass fatigue cramps and pains, and I'll start just Danny DeVito busting out from being entirely numbed by the shutdown of my every bodily system.

"I feel no pain therefore I can attack Pierce Brosnan with confident vigour."

All our discussions of gardening end with him "raking the moon".

I don't know whether that's a really great joke or a really bad one.

I should be shot for being so funny. But I'm not in Belgium.

Okay that was too obscure a reference, and also I'm only a quarter Irish.

Hos:
but i guess what i'm saying in simple terms
and to semiquote dumbledore
is
Naz:
"I'm a gay wizard. Fuck you"

Kidnapped UK woman escapes pirate rape

Since I'm as formulaic as a Jay Leno joke, I'll list the rest of the uncanny headlines here (and interject with a Jay Leno-style opening monologue):

Nude photographer loses clothes at airport

"It turns out he left his clothes in his Toyota."

US woman pleads to selling kids for bird

"In her defence she said 'I'm just like Tiger Woods!' " *no audience reaction* "You know, 'coz bird can also mean woman."

I slapped pupils in face: Pope's brother

"Just like Tiger Woods' wife slapped him!"

Irish 'plot to kill Swedish cartoonist'

"By driving a Toyota!"

Asteroid to blame for dinosaur extinction

"Tiger Woods!"

Alternately, for a cheap(er) laugh he could've added the insightful commentary of "No duh. *chin waggle*"

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"should the article on feces include this picture of a large human turd?" - Wikipedia

Wow. The parents have been away two days, and I've already managed to kill two fish says:
Why the fuck are you up?
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
YOU KILLED CHRIS SQUIRE AND DEREK K. DICK FROM MARILLION?!

Best sportsnewswoman ever?

"Everton constantly referred to "balls" in tweets about Premier League football games before the Twitter clampdown."

No, the best sportsnewswoman ever is Sarah Jones. OBVIOUSLY you guys.

bryce m. says:
well, you kinda have to
wtf, lol, I just had the randomest flashback
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
were you sitting around a table at vietnam playing russian roulette
bryce m. says:
no.

Hargreaves pointed to Little Lion Man's video clip as proof that I could replace Hosford with my feet and a kickdrum. Here is the relevant transcript.

Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
ahaha i need someone to blame when things go wrong
"no, i didnt write this piece of shit song, it was hosford's"
"uh dude i was there when you wrote it, you showed me it and everything"
*throws hosford at them and runs away*
Wow. The parents have been away two days, and I've already managed to kill two fish says:
I completely understand how Accrylic steel worked now
Only
Dave wrote circles
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
haha
he only had one good song in him
unfortunately that song was an unreleased B-side where he played harmonica and insulted sam

I'm going to start live blogging now. Here's the conversation I just had!

Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
i need a quick joke for the brick say something stupid/funny
In June you must give fascists hell. says:
what a genius cross rhythm
Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
AHAHAH






















Your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick says:
also it was i who insulted sam
see what i did there, i passed it off as daves work
*throws a dave then runs*

Surfer fights off shark

Hosford 1 asked Hosford the Lesser to make him a sandwich.

"Make me a sandwich."

"I'll make you a penis," was the witty retort.

"A small one," Hosford replied absent-mindedly. "Wait -"

II.

I wrote down a quote from that TV show where the cops are New Zealanders and the narrator is also a New Zealander. I really should watch that show more often. Comedy bronze. Anyway, the quote was "Operation Trojan swung into action".

I could've just written that as

"Operation Trojan swung into action" - kiwi narrator

but I didn't. I'm not really sure why.

PSYCHE!

III.

Ellie
thats gross man
Nazza
what is?
Ellie
Clutching at straws, still drowning says: (7:19:40 PM)
you know what i want to see in a film
Clutching at straws, still drowning says: (7:19:43 PM)
someone get beat to death with maraccas
Nazza
lol
well heaps of films are violent nowadays
i just want the violence to cater to my taste
if id said "you know what i want to see in a documentary"
that would be a different matter

"Kevin Costner Debuts Album"

I'm so vain I think the song is about me, and it was written 20 years before I was born.

Here's an excerpt of me being a great brother:

ALLIEgator said:
why do people use similes?
Nazza said:
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY WOULD
TO COMPARE SHIT

I think I went a little overboard.

megan says:
sd
MEGAN UFIHDR
poopy
Ascension in incentive end says:
yes
megan says:
you are poop
shgfpru
aspergers
Ascension in incentive end says:
shgfpru is now allisons name
your last name is now ufihdr
megan says:
Huh?

The perils of leaving one's laptop unattended. i like poop

IV.

Nazza: teenagers are like children with adult bodies
Nazza: that's actually really scary to think about
Ellie: lol
Ellie: yeah
Ellie: s'pecially if ur banging one

How insane is that headline? I couldn't make an insaner headline in four words. "Kevin Costner". "Debuts". "Album". I get headaches thinking about it. It's genius.

"I'm confused
I'm a girl" - RJ out of context

Keifer Sutherland wears a dress on Letterman

Jeff Bridges plays a G chord

Christian Bale on a bicycle

Jay Mohr laughing at naked Fichtner

Conan plays "Free Bird" (must've been an unruly heckler in the audience)

Joe Biden likes trains

Does the U.S. President fear a Terminator-like scenario in which robots take over the world?

"Christian Bale is a drunken fool" - Allie

Cops chided for riot-shield tobogganing <- best law enforcement headline ever, the mental image confounds my mind

"I'm going to put my foot up against your ear, and it's going to have a chat!" - Nazza

I hate attributing quotes to myself. But, given that this one is so absurdly stupid, I'll give myself a pass on this one. Thanks me. No probs dude. I like your hair. Now it's getting weird.

"That doesn't make...it...sense"

n/ how much does that suck, that out of the ads shown the movie the audience was most likely to go and see was Angels and Demons

n/ i misspelled that as angles

n/ "the illuminati are suppressing the right angle!"

n/ satan is a fallen angle

n/ 66

"Christian Bale didn't discover the cure for rabies" - an overzealous commenter

I saw this headline, "Matt LeBlanc got fat", and laughed at its brevity. But really, is there a more literary way of putting it? Whoever wrote the headline was a minimalist genius. Or, some sarcastic idiot on a blog.

"Banana mulch" - Cedric Bexlar-something

After watching a movie, I was checking the music channels and Never Gonna Give You Up was playing. Megan walked in and asked, "Is the movie still on?" She thought that Christian Bale was rickrolling us.

The next Friday I was in a record store and while browsing the 12-inch singles (I'm sure there's a seedy joke in there somewhere) found Rick Astley's magnum opus. The record store rickrolled me!

(A Conversation With My Sister (WHICH ONE?!) )
"What is this, Christian Bale Day?"
"No, that's the 30th."
"It's creepy that you know that."

I was watching the movie eXistenZ, which is about a virtual reality game, and during a cLimacTic dRamatIc scene where Jude Law thinks his girlfriend is dying he says "I think I just lost the game." I burst out laughing and lost my cinematic immersion.

Happy Bale Day! I'll trash your lights!

Jeremy Piven playing the bongos

Parallel our sights says:
this song is really hard to play on guitar
i gave up after learning one minute
the guitarist of yes likes putting superfast crazy runs in songs that dont need them
so no matter how easy the song sound its impossible to learn fully
Ellie says:
I feel theres a message somewhere in all of that
HOLY SHIT
ITS BEEN AN HOUR SINCE I WENT TO BED
Parallel our sights says:
lol
play that 80s song "time keeps on slippin"
actually i think that was a 70s song that was covered in the 90s
Ellie says:
NOOOOOO
DON'T DO THAT

"It's bad enough he's a wranger without growing more on himself" - my sister on Seth Green's beard

Morgan says:
ooh
*oh
maybs bi or something
or just 'supportive of the gay community'
Parallel our sights says:
lol
yeah
Morgan says:
pulling a daniel mcpherson
and also, being like daniel mcpherson
ololol

One of Allison's friends had this conversation with her father:

"Hey dad, you like Glee don't you?"
"I like Glee as much as I like cancer"

He's my hero. Unless he actually meant that he really likes cancer.

"I just can't see him being creepy after having watched him poop on some guy's head" - on Myron

RJ was relaying a fun-based anecdote about how her and Jim Kaston were box-sliding down hills or something. She said, "Jim and I got in the box" and I quipped "Did you travel back in time?" Unfortunately no one heard my wit. Also, no one reading this will get it. I think that's a new record for bad jokes.

Actually, the only people who read this have seen the movie, woo. Except Allison. Take that, Allison. You also don't get the Dream Theater jokes I make all the time. Take that, Portnoy. I have a letter I need delivering. Take that, mailman.

Leftover Jokes From Last Year (part 2)

aka Leftover Jokes From Last Year II: Last Year Harder

"What are you doing Tony Abbott, get out of that skin-tight suit!" - Hosford

Even a week after Obama left China, the buzz about Wang is still going strong.

I was bored so I decided to see if I could put a full newspaper through the shredder we have. It got halfway then the shredder gave up.

Apparently the butt death was ubiquitous enough to catch my attention twice, because I have "Former Miss Argentina dies after buttock operation" written down.

n: now im drinking orange juice coz it doesnt make me worse and its giving me acid reflux

h: that's why people drink tea

n: the only tea ill drink is mr T

n: wow that sounds a bit gay

Another good headline is "Indian governor, 86, quits over sex tape". The headline forgot to mention it was a three-some that was filmed.

n: the only davis im familiar with is So What and half of btiches brew
n: the album, not like i have half of a song haha
n: "this is so progressive, its like that DT song that stops midsong"
n: i reckon thats how they actaully did pull me under
n: "we need a good ending"
n: "im too fat"
n: "lets just cut it off randomly here?"
n: "kevin moore youre a genius! we'll never fire you!"

The ruins of the WTC appeared on the news so I went "pfft...modern art."

"I was wondering why my tea tasted so crap...turns out it was lukewarm water" - Hargreaves

The sports news was showing footage of Michael Clarke accidentally getting hit in the crotch by a wayward cricket ball. As a slow motion replay was shown, commentator Tony Greig commentated "Ooh yes... ... ... Got him."

"Tara read the last Harry Potter book in like one hour the other week. I was scared, esp coz I'm pretty sure she's really dumb"

Leftover Jokes From Last Year (part 1)

(Post 80! Time to go back to the 80s! I'm living in the 80s! My test scores are never even close to 80s! Time for some Depeche Mode)

This Wreckage says:
the wonders of invitro fertilisation
Eureka!!! says:
Lol
Seedy
This Wreckage says:
ooh yes, that was a bad pun

Turns out that's all I had on the laptop pre-2010. So, here's some bonus material, (also known as the rest of the post), some stuff from January.

ALLIEgator! says:
I told [nazza] your internet was faster than ours
he said to ask you to loan me your internet credits
kaitie bjerre says:
what?

Ellie says:
oh god
oh god
its true
time is repeating itself
holy shit
what am i gunna do
Parallel our sights says:
lol
play that 90s song "time keeps on slippin"
actually i think that was a 70s song that was covered in the 90s
find the book "So You've Found Yourself in a Time Loop"
lol
play that 90s song "time keeps on slippin"
actually i think that was a 70s song that was covered in the 90s
Ellie says:
STOP IT
FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK

Bonus link Jurassic Park