"That's a horrible nickname! That's worse than vomitface!"

"Sam's face and head only allows for a certain level of cool"

My sister Allie thought that the Blues Brothers actors were actually brothers.

"I never got that the logo for limewire was a lime" - the other sister

hosford: if al gore had a cake
hosford: not an entirely unfeasible possibility
hosford: he then ate the icing off the cake
hosford: he would go
hosford: 'OHZ SHIT THEY AINT NO CAKE NOW'

When that guy accidentally sung a Nazi song in Germany at his concert, the headline was "Nazi Furore". Awful pun. I shook my head in dismay.

I forget whether this was in the actual article or just a comment, but either way it was awesome. "The woman who had everything is dead because she wanted a slightly firmer ass"

She died because of butt-surgery!

"the guy sitting next to me on the plane thought I was insane coz I kept laughing when we experienced turbulence" - the other sister, back from Melbourne

Mum got offended when my sister said a line from The Office involving sluts. "Mum, it was a quote." "Well...I'll quote you!" Ten seconds passed. "With my hand!"

Nick Xenophon in tiny car.jpg

Jon Voight Throws Guy Out Window

My sister mentioned going to camp for only a week, and this witty reparté took place:

nazza: damn try and stay there another month
alliegator: TRY AND BE A LITTLE LESS GAY I'M SORRY, THATS TOO MUCH TO ASK OF YOU
nazza: coz I'm already the least gay possible for a human being
alliegator: NO BECAUSE YOU'RE SO GAY IT'D BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE ANY LESS GAY
nazza: your logic fails
alliegator: NOW GO HAVE SEX WITH HOSFORD
nazza: you first

To quote an eyewitness, "she ewwed like 5 times"

Apparently scientologists auditioned a string of actresses to be Tom Cruise's girlfriend after Penelope Cruz broke up with him (she didn't want to take his last name). I'd imagine the auditions are similar to those of porn films.

...

Which is why Katie Holmes was chosen.

(on the creation of a blogspot)
alliegator: should my display name be ALLIEgator or something?
nazza: no it should be quetzacotl das gubenmeister

I'm not going to link alliegator-dingobabies blog because I can't be assed. Its url is "heychaps".

In 24 (SPOILER ALBERT) Jon Voight's character was killed off by a car bomb. He was looking at a picture of his family beforehand so Hosford and I speculated that the hotness of Jon Voight's daughter caused him to explode.

Hosford's observation on a movie he saw:

"it confirmed what I'd always known but hadn't considered for a while"

"sexual assault is so hot"

"I really want to do what they did at one point in the movie"

It may be even more disturbing in context.

I was studying Chinese philosophy for my uni exam and this line was included: "Now let's look at Zhaungzi's first story of a giant fish-bird." Wouldn't've seen that in a course about systems administration.

"One dead as Miley Cyrus tour bus crashes" I was extremely saddened, because the ONE DEAD WASN'T HER.

"I accidentally said Allie looked like stonehenge ... I meant the easter island statue"

Look at that guy

Also, this one is my ringtone

naz: one day we should totally, when i have a bass, do a jam where im on bass and guitar at the same time
naz: itd be so awesome jon voight would explode

"aah man I can't believe I screwed Levi somehow" - Hosford

shoot of gun

naz: lately ive been getting better at figuring out what unwieldy acronyms are
naz: i even invented one
naz: QWAB
naz: i made it up out of nowhere and retroactively figured out what it meant
naz: so now im gonna use it heaps
naz: see if my meme creation powers are just a fluke
naz: out of one mention of "some guy left his computer unattended so i wrote 'Hey chaps' in the dialogue window" i managed to start a 'Hey chaps' craze
hargrevious: lol
hargreenface: well
harbouringterrorists: that's queer
naz: you know what else is queer
naz: squid
hargeaves: yeah
hargreavez: she is
harqueavez: I mean
barqueavez: like
hardgraves: QWAB MAn
naz: QWAB Man would be a great superhero

I later had a conversation with Hargreaves in his constructed language which consisted of two words (at that rate he'd have a full language by 2292 (I contributed some words to the language)). I don't think he came up with a name for it though. Hargsperanto?

I think it's funny that it's perfectly legal to own a sword, but it isn't legal to carry one says:
this isn't getting my assignment done
Counterbalance this commotion says:
or is it
Counterbalance this commotion says:
if your assignment is "secretly spread a created language to some guy in his pyjamas" then youre doing about a C+

I was reading about Dr. Roger Weiner "alleged with violating the Mann Act" for using a dating site. THERE IS A MANN ACT. And it's about prostitution. Hosford quipped, "Wow. Dr Weiner violated Mann."

Scott managed to take "Hey chaps" to soaring new levels. While his brother was AFK he wrote "Hey chaps" in a conversation with my sister (the one who spread the "hey chaps" phenomena far and wide).

Uh...I wrote down at some point "Peter Serafinowicz making fun of Hudson's shirt". I don't quite remember what it was, but it was awesome. Seriously, I have never seen Hudson without a Manly shirt on. Conversely he has never worn a manly shirt.

Someone told Hudson to get a new shirt. He replied "This is a new shirt." Apparently Hudson is a cartoon character, always wearing the exact same thing.

Speaking of Peter Serafinowicz, he bumped into me in the GT bar one time. Then he comically continued bumping into me. "The first time was an accident but the rest were just me being an asshole." A week later he won $300-odd with the "big trivia question". I think that proves conclusively that I am his lucky charm.

Rape Tunnel

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,26163227-401,00.html

"It's not the first time Whitehurst has courted controversy. In 2007 he created an installation called the Punch You In The Face Tunnel."

That's Reverend to you! says: well apparently I can forgive sins
Apocalypse Please says: hehe apparently I can forgive shins
Apocalypse Please says: which isnt of much use outside of soccer

I didn't think the headline "Man Dressed as Ninja, Waving Nunchucks Arrested" could get much better, but it did:

"Police said they arrested a man who was dressed as a ninja and waving nunchucks while yelling about wanting to beat up U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman."

I saw a newspaper that had the headlines "Double Tragedy: Couple Killed in House Fire" and "Jets crash in Sydney". But the second headline was referring to the A-league team. I laughed.

"Matt looks like a huge douche in it. In a not-colloquial way. He looks like the world's biggest manually operated vagina sanitizer"

My sister was telling me about a dream she had:

ALLIEgator, pour être belle. says: We were watching transformers 3 and people had control of our minds
Apocalypse Please says: lol explains why I was watching transformers 3

While driving past a church on the bus, the sign said "Trouble sleeping? Come to our sermons". I'm still not sure if it was a prank or not.

Hosford says: dammit I have a penisache
Hosford says: bellyache*

Levi insinuated I had two dads.

This was the greatest line I saw in a news article a few weeks ago:

"The court heard that prior to trying to beat up the cross-dressers, the men had been involved in an altercation with a man in a Spiderman costume."

I was listening to ABC Classical, and the guy announced they were going to play two Mozart things. Afterwards he spoke, "I said before that those were two Mozarts, I accidentally played Schubert first by mistake. But would anyone have noticed anyway? ...Yeeeeaaaaaah"

Jim Kaston got a post in NUSA or something or other because no one else applied. "I'm taking over the world, one unwanted position at a time. Next stop: leadership of the liberal party."

Man Charged in Harmonica Attack

A man is facing the music after being accused of beating his roommate on the head with a harmonica. (No word yet on whether his name was David "I dropped my bass in the middle of Swallow" Groenhout.)

Levi stole Scott's dongle (his USB plug for his mouse) and passed Scott's dongle down the table secretly. I was holding Scott's dongle in full view of Scott and he didn't notice despite looking directly at me and asking where it was. Scott's dongle is small.

The "win money" question at trivia was "Which country has the three widest circulated papers in the world?" I wrote "Barack Obama Land". I almost won a prize for it except he saw I was from the winnars table and he's prejudiced so I didn't get it. Also it was probably because he'd been told he'd get cake if no one at the winnars table got a prize.

Someone at the winnars table got a prize.

After explaining "write a funny joke as your name and you win a prize", Trivia Bob added "no Chuck Norris jokes". Someone handed in a Chuck Norris joke. The awesome part is it was Scott who did it to annoy Trivia Bob.

After I made a witty riposte I did a "buh-doom-tish" on the table. Levi was impressed with my buh-doom-tish and laughed despite not hearing the joke. Now I've forgotten the joke.

People took to throwing things at Levi who was playing Chain Rxn on his laptop. Jim Kaston threw a paper box at him, which Levi threw back with ninja-quickness. It skipped off Jim's head in an awesome way.

In the bar, one of the light globes is surrounded by a modern-art see-through exoskeleton with a hole in the middle. Theo had a scrunched-up ball of paper and attempted to throw it into the exoskeleton. Hosford succeeded. It was awesome.

Overused Word in my Brick For Today: awesome
Underused Word in my Brick For Today: exoskeleton

Levi has taken to a constant stream of two dads. "Levi, stop using your laptop." "Your two dads stopped using your laptop." "Pass me my backpack." "Your two dads passed the backpack." Levi's constant two dads!

"Your two dads have taken to a constant stream of two dads."

Actual headline: Flock of Sheep Bursts Into Flames

One of the "name the song this lyric is from" questions for trivia was unknown, so I wrote "SOMETHING SHIT". It turned out to be a song by Live. So I was correct.

Levi said something (probably about two dads) so Ashleigh replied "STFU."
I said "QWAB" pulling letters out at random.
"What does that stand for?"
"Quit whining...about...bitches."
She replied "I figured the first two would be quit whining."

Joe won a trivia prize for his name "Why do I have to sit with these jerks." When it was read out he stood up, shouted "YEAAAH" and gave us the double deuce. It was ... awesome.

Woo Levi Day

Man shot horse with crossbow: police

I'm gonna get the rest of the stupid or hilarious headlines out of the way in one go:

Top Gear flying caravan stunt goes wrong
NASA finds giant ring around Saturn
Travolta lawyer recites 'A Few Good Men'
Bligh releases Commonwealth Games costs (hopefully in song form, with Carlin on backing vocals)
Dr Phil sued for brainwashing and boob groping

"Grandmaster Flash said he was going to fax us a new MP3 mix," Freestyle Games developer Kevin McSherry told ninemsn, saying he had to inform Flash it would be difficult to fax through an audio file.

"We are the fat kid in the race," said cybersecurity expert James Lewis.

Hosford's Dad just scored 75 points with the word QUACKLED playing SCRABBLE® Worldwide Darren and thousands of other people are playing on SCRABBLE® Worldwide.

Hosford's Dad: I GOT KNOW IDEA WHAT QUACKLED MEANS

When we watched Godzilla V Spacegodzilla, there was a character called Miki. At one point another character said "Oh Miki" and Jim Kaston replied "You're so fine." It blew my mind.

My sister was in a 3-way MSN convo. I ninja-struck by typing "poo" and hitting enter. Before my ninja-strike she had written "my life is the epitome of". BAHA

Sam says: off to dinner now! oooh, quickly, got a date for your party?
Dead souls says: your mother

During the movieday-of-awesome Levi brought his lightsabre. But it broke. Some say Jim Kaston broke it, but there was no magic bullet! Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Damn Kevin Costner. "Jim Kaston was framed ala Lee Harvey" I guess was the theme I was going for there.

During "Heat" Levi got bored halfway through and started leeching off my wireless internet. He went to look up how long the movie went for. "235 MINUTES! Oh wait, that's the aspect ratio." It was a pretty long movie though. When Robert Deniro started chasing Judging Amy, Hosford cheered "Finally a rape scene." Apparently this and comments of a similar nature freaked out my sisters.

During "Donnie Darko", Jim Kaston corrected one of the character's mistakes when talking about the Smurfs. Then Donnie corrected them for the same mistake.

Holy shit the last three paragraphs have started with the word "During". Screw that.

After everyone left my sister Allie queried where Levi was from because he had an accent, which was apparently similar to Chad's. Chad was on MSN so she told him this and Chad replied, "He must be a sexy man."

...

"JAMES BOND IS GETTING HIT IN THE BALLS WITH A ROPE" - Jim Kaston

Patrick Swayze is dead. But don't worry, he'll return as a ghost and make some pottery.

Youtube Quote for the Ages: "i remember one time i told a girl she looked like roger waters(believe me she did) and she threw a book at me."

I also managed to read this unbiased description of Jason Taylor, on an article about him getting fired: "He is a loser, he played for loser clubs, his face screams, look at me Im a loser."

The guy who punched him is going to use that in court as his defense.

Hosford: GREG POOPS
Hosford: propps*
Hosford: proops*
Nazza: greatest succession of typos ever

I am the most hyperbolicly exaggeratory man in the universe.

I was watching standup on TV and my sister shouted out "KITKAT" like a retard, on account of there were kitkats in the fridge. Then a second later Mitch Hedberg began a joke with "I like Kitkats." It was freaky. And not a Friday.

Define Mutation: "When a normal person becomes one of the X-men"

He later told another senator: "You can get f***ed." Mr Rudd admits he swore.

(in reaction to the Busy status) "BUSY? I'LL BUSY YOUR FACE! YOU'RE MORE BUSY THAN EPPING FOREST!"

I told my sister she was an idiot. She replied "I'm not an idiot. ... ... I spilt chocolate milk on my shirt." Then she closed the door the same moment the smoke alarm went off, and thought it was the door that set it off.

Hosford's dad suggested Hosford become a prostitute to raise money, then quipped "but I suppose you want to make money not lose it."

I won trivia name contest twice, the first time for my Swayze joke and the second time for "[Trivia Bob], I'm happy for you and I'mma let you finish, but Boat Night trivia was the best trivia ever!" Notably, both times he called me a sad man.

We also managed to lose for the first time to someone who wasn't Peter Serafinowicz!!

Hudson said "If I had a band, I'd call it The Big Glove, so when we finished the announcer would say 'Let's have a big hand for The Big Glove!"

Hosford replied "If you had a band, ...it'd be shit."

Levi walked in like a nerd with his lightsaber so Peter Serafinowicz' trivia joke was (paraphrased) "That guy has a glow in the dark butt plug."

Jim Kaston left his newspaper behind so I began drawing moustaches on everyone in the photos. Including Kevin Rudd. And women. And on men who already had moustaches. Then I drew a moustache on a picture of Earth. There was an ad where a row of people were holding their hands like the logo of the Salvation Army but without the cup, so I drew in a Rubix Cube and fireballs (DBZ style).


Jim Kaston, Jim Smitsford and I (Jim Jerkface) were in the Engineering building looking for Levi, who had stolen Kaston's warez. We had to be very quiet and use our inside voices, but then Kaston's phone rang so we danced in the hallways until it stopped ringing.

After suffering a fair amount of abuse at the table, Hudson was viewing something particularly dire and said "Kill me now." Hosford replied, "Maybe you shouldn't use that particular phrase." Then Scott stabbed him with his beard.

I performed half of the Babar Theme on the uni piano, which got me 50c from Scott. This is the first money I've ever made as a performer.

Scott left his laptop open so I wrote "Hey chaps" on his Facebook. He deleted it for some reason.

The other morning the sky was red due to a dust storm. Unfortunately, my screenname was still "Apocalypse Please". Within an hour three different people all commented something like "You got your request." So I decided to change my screenname to avoid any more bad jokes, to "Dust in the Wind".

Naz: I've learned the intros to two Genesis songs, half a UK song and half of the Babar Theme
Sam: put em together and you've got a chart topping hit of jet proportions, rogue trader proportions even
Naz: for a chart-topper of Jet or Rogue Trader proportions I'd have to take a dump in the sink and fuse it with the cat's litter box

I also told Sam to put on a hat coz he was reflecting into the atmosphere. It's funny coz he has red hair.

"Density can kiss my mass"

ROAD EATS TRUCK

Sister 1: "Who is that robot man?"
Naz: "That robot man? Arnold Schwarzenegger?"
Sister 2: "ROBIN WILLIAMS!"

In the news a few days ago some woman died while on a crash diet program called "the LighterLife program". She is the "third person to die using the diet in as many years". Whoever named that diet is an evil genius.

"From now on the right is no longer the right, the left is right" - Jim Waley

Our cat likes to sleep on top of one of the stereo speakers, which sits on top of the TV cabinet. The other night I heard a loud BANG and went in, hoping the cat hadn't knocked one of the speakers over...to see him crawling out from behind the cabinet covered in dust.

Trivia Bob was reading out trivia questions (how unusual) and did a "Who am I" question. I said "A fat bastard." Then he said, "I'm 500 kilometres wide..." Levi turned to me and said "He *is* a fat bastard."

Speaking of Levi, I heard someone on TV saying "It's amazing how dumb Levi is in real life." But they were probably talking about that guy who knocked up Sarah Palin's spawn.

"Its like a towel, it's like a towel, it's like a - towel"

"Jackass" - President Obama

I was going to write an essay and decided since I had no clue what the hell it was trying to ask me to do, I'd write about bullshit. Hosford suggested using this opening paragraph:

'Bullshit is a western colloquialism used to express dissatisfaction with an activity or concept; it derives from the idea that the faeces of male cows presents itself as particularly odoriferous.'

"inflatable dick" - Phil Collins

Scott linked me a photo as a birthday present. It was highly disturbing.
Nazza: WHATTHEFUCK
Scott: so you saw?
Scott: are you scarred/scared?
Nazza: yes
Scott: Well ... Happy Birthday!!!

(back story: James' bro got hit in the face by some kid, like that time THE BALL HIT EGG IN THE FACE except instead of a barrel-o-laffs it was police-o-riffic)

Everywhere a Judas: AFTER THE ORDEAL by GENESIS
Fitzgibbob: you're an ordeal
Everywhere a Judas: your mum was an ordeal in the sack
Fitzgibbob: your brother had an ordeal in the face
Everywhere a Judas: ahah yeeah
Everywhere a Judas: they're still at the hospital mum just rang
Everywhere a Judas: it's nuts
Fitzgibbob: crazy
Fitzgibbob: I thought the punch was to his nose not his crotch
Fitzgibbob: BAM
Everywhere a Judas: oh ow
Everywhere a Judas: all the dirt on me is totally gone

"Screw you cricinfo! How is Wilshaun Michtner an invalid name"

"The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter"

"The lime has a particularly lurid expression on his face."

Hundreds of U.S. colleges and universities were micro-managing student discourse via speech codes that banned everything from "insulting sounds" to "faxes sexual in nature."

There seems to be a recurring theme in the articles I'm reading of inanimate objects doing it.

While Discussing a Contiki Tour of America:

jimh: apparently [it's] run by the same company as the tourist helicopter cruise which went down last week
nazza: use sam as a parachute
jimh: "holy shit its a shooting star"
jimh: "not just that, it's a red dwarf"

I warned a friend that my MSN display picture wasn't a picture of me. Hers was of the sun. She said, "my dp is obviously me". I responded "yes, you are a bright orb who gives people cancer".

During the Friday boat trivia night a group of questions involved identifying which movie the corresponding movie poster represented. I hilariously failed and when the Twilight poster appeared the crowd booed virulently. Most of the booing came from Jim Kaston and Levi. It was great.

While at Customs House, Hosford kept suggesting that the dance music should have a bongo solo. Then at a bar with a TV playing music videos, he suggested that every song played would be better with a bongo solo. Then, they played Renegades of Funk. IT HAD A BONGO SOLO.

Also everyone got rick roll'd because when they entered the place the TV played "Never Gonna Give You Up".

My sister was telling the family about how Hitler would throw tantrums if he didn't get his way. "He used to roll on the ground and chew the carpet."

My mum replied, "You used to eat paper."

"I like men" - Scott

Levi was on MSN so I ninja-struck and typed "poo" on his keyboard then pressed enter. But he had caps lock on and was talking to someone in the middle of a lecture. It was awesome. On a sidenote, I'm pretty sure the designer of the computer keyboard deliberately put "P" and "O" so close together, and "A" and "S" so close together.

I tried to do the same to Tim but he had dvorak setting on so I ended up saying "lrr".

Last Friday RJ said that Scott looked like Brandon Flowers. At this point Hosford and I burst into laughter.

Levi was lying down on a table, so Hosford said "Someone punch him in the crotch! So I can massage it better."

Levi replied, "Only if you do it with your mouth."

Absurd Headline of the Week:
"Fijian church says no pants on Sundays"

"WHO'S THIS GUY ON MY TAZO"

69th post!

I got an email, "Win a Gisbon SG Special Guitar signed by Jet". That's kinda like going, "Win the original painting of Geurnica, covered with dog shit!"

In philosophy we were discussing hedonism, the belief that bodily pleasure is the route to a good life. This guy spoke up and said, "So there's wisdom in being a slut?"

The teacher apprehensively agreed.

"So my sister isn't as ditzy as I thought."

I have a new musical aphorism, "Making shit up half the time is awesome". The awesome thing is, one of Confucius' teachings said pretty much exactly the same thing except classier.

"Is Jason Gillespie substitutable for penis"

"How do you feel about some other guy lying on top of your wife" - Dr Phil

Here's something no one will understand except me: Dr Feelgood doing the Hammer shuffle.

"I broke something in my pants"

My sister and I were watching an episode of South Park involving Mr Hankey. At one point mum came over to watch. After sitting through most of the episode she queried, "Is that a talking shit?"

Great News Article Openings:
A Gainesville father has been arrested for hitting his daughter with a pizza slice.

No one'll steal jokes from this update!

"people rip off Iggy Pop more than Iggy Pop rips off his shirts"

Splashing bandaid rivers. says:
-oh i forgot to mention
-i had sex last night
Roulette Dares says:
-has your brother gone to the police yet?

"The audience ends, like almost every other scene in the narrative, with an orgy." - Wikipedia description of a book by the guy sadism is named after

Headline: "One dead, one hurt after lake fall" (Damn Greg Lake, being so fat)

"Pen your Ted exploded" - my sister being retarded

Balance the thoughts that release within you:
figures that at this junction my hair is also coolest
Pin the donkey on the tale:
teehee junction
Balance the thoughts that release within you:
that's not a real street
along with "Baha Street" and "WTF Are You On About Terrace"

Quote a vague aphorism of marginal wit:
wait what am I doing in this conversation I don't exist

There was a specially themed trivia last week, where all the questions were based around crappy songs. Because I knew the answers to all the crappy songs, my prize was a CD set of all the crappy songs.

Arlen Specter booed himself. But, it would've been far better if he did it Kaston-style.

I also won two prizes for the "get your funny quote written in the name section read out" part of trivia with two jokes I have already used on this here brick (including one that Jim Kaston had already used, but with the set-up inexplicably altered so the joke made no sense).

Levi kicked his ipod. I approve of this technoviolence. Unfortunately it was a hilarious accident and not intentional. Even more unfortunately, it survived. Fortunately it had Strawberry Fields Forever on it.

But anyway, fortune doesn't exist! Fatalist fagues.

Also holy shit that's the best misspelling since "xompletely".

"It is also a question of art a bit...and a garden gnome"

Levi is the panacea to my rage apparently.

"Stories about playing with matches do not have happy endings." - Wikipedia

"Man I hate box" - Hosford
"Man I hate Hosford" - box

For reasons far too complicated to go into at present, Jimh came up with a new element based on four elements.

jimh -'heliarsodium'
jimh - helium, arsenic, gold, lawrencium
naz - pssh
naz - helium, arsenic, old and sodium
jimh - OLD
jimh - that'd be a great elemert
naz - one day I'll change my name to Elemert
jimh - "what's the half-life of old?" "about 25 years"

Summary of a 24 episode: "Jack got TASED (again)"

I want to see Jack Bauer go "don't tase me bro!" Then he'd shout "dammit" as they did. I would've made that joke better but there was no time! Dammit Audrey!

Some Chinese philosophy in the very course outline for Chinese philosophy:

How will my tutorial paper be marked? Your tutorial paper will be marked out of 10.

While Morgan was discussing a moot trial law thingo that was on the next day, some girl entered the conversation and asked him what he was talking about. He told her it was a class on being awesome. She said "No really, what is it." He replied it was a lecture...on being awesome. "No really." A law lecture about...how to be awesome. This was dragged out longer than necessary. Which only made it funnier.

I also met Guy B"ob"evan"s". The conversation opener was "It's really easy to take your pants off in the library." There was really no way it could get any better than that, but somehow it did.

Theo recommended I get a bouncer for my house, "the tallest person can be the bouncer."
"But James Merry never turns up to anything!"
"Okay, the tallest and biggest person can be the bouncer."
"A combination of Merry and Joe!"
"Merry and Joe piggibacking."
...
"That's hot."

also the crazy lecturer

Crazy Headlines:
"US TV Anchor calls Kevin Rudd a Serial Killer"
"Tiger Woods 'fart' video causes stink"

"That's genocide" - Jim Cramer on Kevin Rudd (no joke)

Also after I read the story about the man who killed 5 people gunning down a dance class in Pennsylvania, I quipped "it's murder on the dancefloor".

My mum was watching some horrid ghost hunter type show (she changed the channel from Conan O'Brien because she hates him because he's Irish) and this one guy was sitting out in a field of grass at night to "gather" "evidence" of paranormal activity.

He could see some things flittering about in the darkness, and it cut to a shot of him talking after the event. NO JOKE this is exactly what he said: "The first thing I thought was: is this fairy activity?"

There's a Columbian rebel group called FARC. It's awesome.

Great Youtube Quotes For the Ages: "I'VE PROBLE (sic) FUCKED YOUR MOM SON"

Some guy on IMDb asked for a script to Koyaanisqatsi. If you don't get this joke, go and get yourself goddamn cultured.

I have no idea why I was having this conversation with my sister:

"Where were you up to?" (in reading something)
" 'underaged whore' "
"You mean 'underaged slut' "

When Jimh and I were walking to the train station in Newcastle, after recording our EP in the studio, this car pulled up and the guy driving it asked us where Customs House was. We didn't know. Then as soon as they drove off I looked up and saw Customs House was across the road.

"I got the buttsex part, just not Pokémon" (I also have no idea who said this or why, it is a mystery)

When Jim Kaston was anagramming his name, he noted "the word 'homo' seems to be popping up with disturbing regularity".

I noted "It kinda worries me that my name can anagram the words 'horny' and 'oral'."

The aforementioned sister left an MSN conversation open while not on the computer, so I sat down and went to write "I suck" in the window. I accidentally wrote "I scuk".

1 says: I scuk
guy says: huh?
1 says: scuking is the new dance craze
guy says: ah k

"Heh...Fat Old Sun...do you reckon David Gilmour's dad calls him that?"

"I don't enjoy logic" - the woman in my philosophy class


Marvin the Paranoid Android says:
i won a competition to go play the new wolfenstein game at Atomic HQ
Roulette Dares says:
i won a competition "crappiest haircut ive got this year"
Roulette Dares says:
i was the only entrant
Marvin the Paranoid Android says:
gahahaha

"IMSON!" - Conan O'Brien

Fragments of memory and melody tease says:
"If I got zimabwean dollar for everytime I saw someone better looking than hosford"
Fragments of memory and melody tease says:
I need an excellent finish to that statement
Bad Trails says:
"I'd be a millionaire in zimbabwe and australia" ?
Fragments of memory and melody tease says:
yeah, that's good
Fragments of memory and melody tease says:
On the same token
Fragments of memory and melody tease says:
"if I got a dollar everytime I saw a women I wanted to do while in Queensland I'd be 50c richer"

Hosford's brother was looking through the yearbook, when he came across a photo he didn't like. "I hate that guy, I wanna punch him."
"Who is it?"
"Nicholas...Peelzer."

"You know why Sam can never drive a convertible? People would think he was a blinker"

I May Not Have Had Enough of Me But I've Had Enough of You says
- i also got "win the ultimate rocknroll weekend with Jet"
I May Not Have Had Enough of Me But I've Had Enough of You says
- i'm suspecting that they mean "youll get a rock n roll weekend, and the song Jet will be playing"
I May Not Have Had Enough of Me But I've Had Enough of You says
-anything else would be nonsensical and highly insulting

"ahaha Matt Damon with a moustache"

Writing love songs is dangerous: i'm going to go look at guitar porn
Roulette Dares: hot
Roulette Dares: "NUDE FRETS, bridgeless babes"
Roulette Dares: "look at the pickups on her"
Writing love songs is dangerous: vids of people rubbing oil into bodies

PS ONTFOLLER

This collection of headlines all appeared on the one night.

"Drink-drive killer drink drives again"

"Man dies after fall into chocolate vat"

"Woman stabs lover, sets wedding date"

I'm guessing that he fell into the vat, managed to escape, then got run over by a drink-driver the next day.

"Trivium's one good idea died of loneliness"

N: I once got imposed by a jehovahs witness at my front door
N: I only realised afterwards I should've gone "no thanks I'm in the middle of a satanic ritual"
H: it's more fun if you're naked
H: you could always say "can you come back later? I'm in the middle of an orgy"
N: "ah good, the heathens I ordered"
N: "sorry, I'm in the witness protection program"

"John Stossel's moustache could never be damp" - random lyric generator

News report on a footy player: "A short time later he was discovered to have defecated in a hallway."

"I, for one, have never had the experience of being a pelican" - singing trainer dude who was an athlete

...I'm beginning to see a pattern.

Of course, that's because I'm about to fall unconscious.

"I'll serenade her ducky face with my fist"

I made the cake. I will eat the cake.

aka the cake saga

Marc Anthony asked: “You can’t make your cake and eat it too,” refers to having everything work your way. Please research. This is a ridiculously clichéd quote. I made the cake. I will eat the cake.

That question was posted on Freakonomics, but the guy who posted it got it wrong. The guy who was supposed to be tracing the quote traced the wrong cake quote as well. The first twenty (maybe more) comments on said article pointed out how wrong Marc Anthony and the research guy were.

According to Wikipedia, that’s from 1546, as “wolde you bothe eate your cake, and have your cake?”

naz-apparently hosfords brother hosford has taken to saying "its like aids"
naz- completely separate to our little running joke
naz- the joke is reproducing and appearing simultaneously of its own accord!
naz- ...
naz- its like aids
I hurt my shoulder undressing. says:
hargr- that might be the alcohol tat made that more amusing
hargr- but
hargr- it is funny
77 Million Paintings says:
naz- there was no alcohol in that joke

"I might do my 'people I hate' update...I meant to last week, but I forgot who I hate"

As you all know, someone very famous and important to music died recently. Wait, Farrah Fawcett wasn't important to music.

Evidently she wasn't famous either, seeing as no one's making a fuss about her.

On the news they had some kid from a foreign country. He was all "The king of pop is dead! There's no point in pop music anymore." The wisdom of children.

Apparently Merrick Watts is in the band Arena. Mick Pointer had no clue. (I was gonna make a joke about how dire it is that Australia doesn't know one of the greatest neo-prog bands exists, but then I got distracted by neo-prog and laughed and I'm sure someone in Australia has heard of Marillion. Right?)

It's the return of the series of prog names said by people theme!

"Phil Collins" - Merrick Watts
"Arena" - the hot chick on TGYH
"Yes" - Adam Hills
"Yes" - Antoinette Halloran
"Yes" - Alan Brough
"Rush" - the fat kiwi on the horse

The woman actually said "Yes" in reference to the band. She is now my hero.

My mum was watching that New Zealand cop show the other night. I overheard "So far he's only been assaulted by a felt-tip pen."

An ad said "You shouldn't be taxed just because you're a woman." Crazy Turnbull.

"I thought it was funny when he threw a shoe at him" - my mum on George Bush's career

"I like to think of myself as a queen" - Hosford on George Bush's career

"Leipheimer is gonna catch Evans"
"Is that some new form of STD"

"I didn't break the computer, Sting did"

In just over 24 hours I saw Bligh, Carlin, Mark, Guy "Pointin' mah Fingers" Bevan, Charlie, Jimh, Jim Kaston, Scott and Joe. I overdosed on awesome.

Oh, Sam was there too. I made fun of him after the movie by saying "We just saw Sam Worthington, and now we're seeing Sam Not Worthington."

During our trip to Glendale, chauffered by Jim "Tim" Kaston, we insulted Sam so much that we were accused of anti-Sametism.

Hosford made an off-hand statement about some fat chick who was 5m away from us. "Didn't we tell you to stop insulting random people?" Evidently not.

The conversation in the car turned to Batman. I said "Two-Face, that's not the only thing he has two of." There was a long silence. Then Jimk said "Get out."

As we drove through Wallsend the conversation turned to a particularly horrible person we used to know. Halfway through what he was saying Jimh lost his train of thought (but not his octavarium [he doesn't have one to lose]). He equated this effect with that of the dementors. (This was because he's a Harry Potter fanatic.)

Jimh later jumped back in horror at the price of milkshakes.

Apparently they're renaming October Ocsober. I "BOO"ed Jim Kaston style. (It's much the same as Tim style booing, but with a cooler name.)

During an exam question I had no clue whether what I was writing was right or not. It asked to list three types of something and explain what they meant. So after writing two paragraphs of explanation, I hedged my beats and wrote "data integrity" as my third option (with no explanation at all).

"Explain the three different types of time."
"Dammit Audrey."

I managed to guess correctly a question, despite being told "there's no way you could've guessed that without knowing what to do".

While watching parliament on mute, Wayne Swan kept pointing. Not to be outdone, Malcolm Turnbull pointed effervescently at every opportunity.

While trying to rip Synchronicity the computer's CD drive broke and wouldn't open. The blame was put on me. I shifted the blame to Sting.

While his iriver was on shuffle, Hosford asked me when I got a particular song off him. I said "It was on the same CD as Cat Food, and IMSON." Then, two seconds later, he skipped to "IMSON!"

I was going to put on The Office, so I asked my sister which episode I should show. She recommended one. Then we found out five seconds later she had leant out The Office DVD and couldn't watch said episode.

Mum wanted me to write down what Jimh wanted from McDonalds on a piece of paper. As a joke after the proper list I wrote "& a rocket". When she went to McDonalds she handed the piece of paper to the guy behind the counter. He was had no clue McDonalds sold rockets.

"It's not the first time a car's run over my foot" - Joe

Scott was going to study for his French test but decided to get lunch and hang with us instead. "I chose to get nutella on my crépe to make up for the lack of Frenchness."

Hosford replied "Is everyone in France seven?"

Our old computer is broken. It says the file hal.dll can not be found or is corrupt. Of all the possible filenames to mysteriously stop working and cause a malfunction.

[jimmh] yeah
[jimmh] yeah
[jimmh] dammit
[jimmh] YEAH
[jimmh] wait wot
[jimmh] no
[jimmh] dammit
[jimmh] hmm yeah

A friend commented "free wifi has its downsides" on MSN. I was about to refute her when my wireless internet disconnected.

I reached the usual June-ish lull, where the lulz dry up. Yet somehow I posted 6 times in June. It would've been like 9 or some shit but I was all "hey I should be lazier than this".

The sharks are a hilarious football team. I read this in an article last week:

Police then arrested Elford and charged him with medical insurance fraud shortly after he'd met with the Sharks board, forcing Gallop to label the situation a "shemozzle".

(Gallop pictured)

That joke would've worked better if I could find a picture of the "Shemozzle" character from Full Frontal without the words "ERIC BANA" surrounding him.

I NOW DECLARE THIS RIOT OPEN! says:
also, maybe I shouldn't drink mother and drive...
77 Million Paintings say:
hehe a freudian slip?

"Also the exam is 2 hours long"
"2 hours, for just one exam"

(I will stop the Two Hearts jokes now. I promise.)

My sister asked: "Is the nile ... that river... that has like...dead bodies in it?"

I told my other sister: "If you can't handle the heat, get out of the grinder"

naz: holy crap
naz: mum just said "do you want a punch in the face"

"Yes" - Greg Kinnear

I studied for my upcoming exam by watching The IT Crowd.

I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago, the last uni soccer comp match happened. And because only Scott, Jimmh and Jared turned up, I became a fill-in player. Then we heard "Two Hearts" on the radio (which was actually just audio from MusicMax) which was quite bizarre and unnerving. Then halfway through the soccer match one of the guys who'd already played joined us as another sub. There were two subs, in just one team.

(Boy that was a long setup for little payoff at the end. Kinda like Phil Collins' career really.)

"JD Fortune Sacked, Living in Car"

I actually saw that headline. I feel no further comment can do it any justice.

This update may be a bit lacklustre, because this week hasn't been as hi'larious. I said I was gonna name my son Larious, but it's too much like Darius Boyd. I hate him solely because of his name.

And because he's a queenslander. But that's the runner-up reason.

Some guy got actual LAPTOP!'d

"China Finds its Children's Products Unsafe"

Also, in the duh pile of headlines, "Daily Alcohol Can Lead to Binge Drinking"

There's this ad for toblerine. The woman in it who ends up eating the toblerone triangle HAS A TRIANGLE FACE. I do not want to think about Sam while eating confectionary.

"Delicate Sound of Thunder" - Shaun Micallef

A great headline: "Nader: McAuliffe Offered Me Money to Pull Out in 04"

I thought third parties were immune to sex scandals.

I'm so awesome and hardcore that despite coming down with the sickness two days before an exam, I turned up and did it anyway.

Our cat has been bringing unwanted fleas into the house. One jumped into my sister's chocolate milk.

We don't need a flea circus. In fact, we could probably do with a flea holocaust.

"THAT'S FLEAISM!"

"I thoroughly enjoyed watching" - Ray "Rabbs" Warren on his own TV show

Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al started playing during the party. It just wasn't the same without Chevy Chase playing the bongos.

"They look fit, almost like greyhounds" - Sterlo coming out of the closets

I must remind a friend to get a keytar. I also suggested a silver jacket (proper attire for the instrument).

[put geoff here](Yeah, technically he's not wearing a jacket. But I couldn't find any images of Geoff Downes playing keytar AND wearing a silver jacket. The internet is useless. Next thing you know I'll be forced to use a picture of old Wetton when making a Larks' Tongues joke. Or Greg Lake speaking French.)

"Mr Rudd's deputy Julia Gillard and Health Minister Nicola Roxon joined the fray, saying Ramsay should confine himself to the kitchen and stop abusing woman."

A woman used a "get back in the kitchen" joke!

Morgan says:
hmm
it seems chris [bargreaves] lists his interests as women AND men

"King Crimson" - the dad from Malcolm in the Middle

While trying to figure out ways to raise loft money, Carlin suggested a Ponzi scheme.

I said "Sam can you shout me a beer?" According to Jimmh this is the funniest sentence uttered.

I prefer to think that the opening line of a Wikipedia article is:

"Striborg is an ambient black metal artist from Tasmania."

Bad Trails: "Brian Eno once called it, along with penultimate track "What You Want", the future of music."
Bad Trails: I can imagine Brian Eno sitting exactly 15 years ago as he sat now
Bad Trails: going "this is the future of music"
Bad Trails: I can imagine him 15 years from now saying "This is the future of music"
Bad Trails: and the nurse in the oldfolks' home goes "yes, Brian, the coffee tables are the future of music"
Bad Trails: do you reckon every single 70s album he comes across he goes "This is the past of music"
Bad Trails: or if he's standing at a concert rocking out he's all "This is the present of music"

"Does Luke...Davico have two functioning ... eyeballs?"

The Two Trivia Jokes That Got Read Out and Cheered

Or, How I got $14 Worth of Voucher and Consumed Nothing

Going in reverse chronological order, and ascending hilarity:

#2 "I saw Brett Kimmorley last week. Then he got injured next game. A pity I don't see more Knights players."

#1 "A statistician murdered 3 people last week. Police say the attacks were random and normally distributed."

...

...

"BOO!" (Tim-style)

"King Crimson!" - Conan O'Brien

An interviewer said to Gordon Brown that people suggest he is a loser. He replied "I think you'll find if you look back that I win a lot of the time."

A newsreader, after describing an electroshock therapy story as "shocking news", relayed the statistic that 1/10 electroshock sessions is authorised, or approved, or something like that. He decided to contribute "That means 9/10 aren't!"

"You go brain dead when you shoot yourself in the foot" - Tigers coach Tim Sheens on why he's a footballer and not a medical practitioner

In the same game, an AFLer kicked an own goal, and tried to join an onfield fight, except his swing completely missed contact with anything.

"Coach Paul Roos couldn't even look at him as he left the field," followed by a shot of him watching the player walk past.

Jimmh's event-based gathering to celebrate 19 years of continual existence occurred last Saturday. Trivial Pursuit was played (both Star Wars type and regular wars); a question was read out that resembled severely a question we got in Bar Trivia the last Wednesday we'd turned up. Cries of "Boo", "laptop" and "Lando Calrissian" rang out through the night.

I also answered a question about an Australian actor with "Bryan Brown", in a Peter Moon-style ponce accent because I didn't know the actual answer.

Sam and Merry were there! Joe and I had a lively discourse about The Office, and why Blondie's "Atomic" kept reminding him of Heart's "Barracudda". Also, his brother may have heard of Robert Fripp, which is the second greatest King Crimson-related discovery this week after witnessing their performance on LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN.

Scott and Tim rocked out on Guitar Hero to Freebird. It blew my mind.

Sam said he was going to bring a present back from Europe; I asked if he could get me something that was cheap, for like 50 cents. He replied "Yeah, I'll get thousands of euro dollars." Currency convertion jokes for the win.

I can now add Hosford's brother Hosford to the list of people I have made laugh their drink right out their mouths (the other entries are Sam, Hosford and Spinks). Later on he bought a set of matchbox cars of GM models, so you know what that means. GM finally sold something!

I also took a detour to kick a tree.

Impeding the endeavours to escape a shipwreck

I balanced a Coke can on Morgan's head.

Hudson played Marvin Gaye on his laptop. Luckily I had headphones in, so only JimM was subjected to gaye.

Morgan kept calling out for Alec then looking away when Alec engaged in conversation. Alec pronounced intent to murder Morgan several times.

Charlie joined us for far too brief a time.

Jimm queried if anyone had seen a woman who wears only lycra. We concluded she was from the future.

"I'm listening to Television."
"You can do that now, amazing technology."

Morgan took off his soda-stained jumper so I hummed "You Can Leave Your Hat On".

I tried to insult Morgan by way of saying "Claire was the only not crap one on the bus. NOT INCLUDING YOU!" but I got it wrong so I accidentally gave him a compliment.

Exposure says:
whoa Bruford's top ten book list has Levitin
REAL MEN HAVE CURVES says:
I have no idea who either of those people are

"holy crap mum's microwaving her coffee wtf"

There was an ad on TV for "Invisilifts", which are some form of bust enhancing product. They had a sale, where usually they'd send 10 for some price, but this time they'd give you 20 for the same. "Why would you need more than 2?"

Last Wednesday I watched Bruce Springsteen, Steve Earle and Chuck Berry on a big projector. In class. That class was awesome. That was also the class where I mentioned Peter Hammill and Trent Reznor.

Apparently Levi played NIN's "Closer" at a party one time. For some reason I cannot comprehend, this did not go down well.

This one guy on TV said the most disturbing aspect of the Young Liberals scandal non-event was "An otherwise perfectly fine young 19-year-old woman reading Ayn Rand." What a fountainhead, if you know what I mean. Ayn Rand arose from the dead and murdered him. Then the world was overtaken by Randroids. It looked kinda like that movie Metropolis. I'm glad whoever made that movie never made a Metropolis pt 2. If he did it would've been horrible, and no one likes Jordan Rudess anyway.

The best response was some woman saying "People choose their political organisation on the basis of facts, not figures."

"Johnny Cash looks like my grandpa"
...
"Maybe he is"

I also found a new aphorism. "The defining quality of a hit single is that you hate it."

Brett Kimmorley got injured the game after he witnessed me. I'm bad luck for footballers! It's a shame I don't come across Knights players more often.

"Trust pop music to be able to ruin a collection of words forever"

"TALES FROM TOPOGRAPHIC OCEANS!" - Guy Pratt

"Don't look at my face" - Shaun Micallef

I saw Brett Kimmorley at Kotara. I did a double-take. I stared at his face too long, so he probably hates me. I'm taller than he is.

"Why are so many interviews on American TV so short?"
"cuz we got shit to do"

I also saw Mike Huckabee playing bass. It was disturbingly hilarious.

"I didn't know Peter Costello could write words"

"I was startled by a paparazzo who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie." - Woody Harrelson

"Grow some consonants you Samoan"

Part 2 of the epic four man conversation (we were joined by Jared, Morgan and Hudsoft):

"Some guy called me metrosexual on a forum because I gave him advice on where to get his hair cut...he asked goddammit!"
"Maybe he just saw what you look like"

We were discussing what this week's trivia joke would be. The most popular topics are racist ones and misogynistic ones. "Just write 'I beat women up' and see if he reads it out." (He didn't read out any trivia jokes this week.)

Scot reckoned Hosford should just mention his honest views and they'd get read out.

"Do you want me to make you a CD Scott?"
"Yes. I want you to make it out of clay."

There was a photo of David Gallop in front of a series of NRL logos. It looked like a magic eye puzzle (the hidden picture was David Gallop).

"Can anyone get me some lightbulbs which look like vacuum valves?"
"I can get you a vacuum valve that looks like a lightbulb"

"2002 was a good year, a good year...actaully 2002 was a shit year, I spent the entire time arguing with an indian. I broke his veins apparently." - Hosford on the guy in the 7/11

Morgan did some things not appropriate in the public arena.

"I did nothing to him...apart from hit his head into a pole" - Hosford on the guy

He likes his women like he likes his family. I'm not going to dignify the joke with a relaying of the punchline. Whoa two Yes references, in just one sentence.

"The guys that lived up the street from me in 1996 used to play Hanson from their stereo on their front porch...my brother threw a sandwich at them once" - Morgan

"They may as well put a tag on it, 'Coke: hostile to life itself' " - Tim

Last week Levi mentioned this guy who walked past, who we knew as Indian Tony Levin. Hos and I both shouted "Indian Tony Levin!" simultaneously.

On Wednesday I recorded a conversation involving myself, Hosford, Tim and Scott on my iriver. It was great. I said "What a jerk" like six times.

I was worried I'd get crap on my iriver because of Hosford's being a General Slob. He replied "Which one of us has a protective cover for their iriver and which one of us is exposing theirs to the elements" while pointing out his has a protective cover. Tim laughed egregariously.

"Also, I parked behind engineering today...accidentally took the long way around...and got my pants wet" - Tim

"We'll be able to eat lollies without cutting Levi's stomach open" - Scott

"It's a hippoportomobile!" - Tim

"I have brown stuff on my pants" - Tim

"He has no emotion, he is a robot" was my assessment of Sam. Tim concluded he has no soul.

*on leaving* "I will return"
"You will return in A View to a Kill"

Hosford dramatically read out a uni magazine article about women and nice guys in a barrage of accents. "Guys so far I've learnt nothing and have not come even close to solving the shoe thing - what the fuck is the shoe thing?"

"I solved it in five seconds."

Scott suggested three times Hosford should read Ask Maude from the uni magazine. "I don't have it" he said with the magazine in front of him. Then he burst into flames. The uni magazines were multiplying.

"Scott what are you doing, get your tongue out of my iriver"

I air-bassed. To my own bass playing. It was awesome.

I saw Rain Man recently. Here's my review:

"You know what would've been great is if when Dustin Hoffman was being a jerk Tom Cruise went 'why would you do that, you're a jerk' "

Valkyrie should've been Tom Cruise walking up to Hitler and saying "you're a jerk".

"Damn Scott, you are so incompetent at reading comics"
"Your mum's a comic"

We chastised Tim for not having a Z Swoop system in place.

"Find your own zeuhl song to quote"

"Levi is not famous for Levi's"

It's getting worse. I saw a Bunnings ad in the newspaper and I still laughed at it.

"You gotta question the insight of a company that names itself after nature's failure" - on Dodo Internet

There was an article on cyberbullying in the paper, one of the quoted insults was "she has a weird laugh and a face like a koala".

Scott and I won trivia (we both went "true" instead of everyone else's "false" on one question), but we had a pact that only one of us would go up to get the prize. So I went up, and for my troubles I got an electric shock! What a jerk.

Even though I won fair and square he dismissed me because people shouted "LAPTOP". So, I left a death threat and next time trivia's on I'm bringing a big nife. He is not an accurate adjudicator at all! I'd go so far as to say he's a very inaccurate adjudicator.

Oh and Jimmh called me a burnt CD. The indignity! What a horrible day. On the upside, I saw a possum and Theo and Hudson filled in all the questions they didn't know the answer to with "Joe's sister". Joe got riled by this.

I made a bunch of bad jokes to Levi, but he laughed at them so they became good jokes.

"Banana Lounge" - Bunnings ad

We were watching some "Movies in 5 Seconds" on a website and the "GoodFellas" one was a montage of Joe Pesci swearing. Jimmh cried out "WHOA IT'S JOE!" and I was all like "yeah, didn't you know he was in this movie" until I looked up and saw Joe had arrived. Then I went "WHOA IT'S JOE!"

(on tribute bands)
"Why pay to see a third rate Sting?"
"Yeah, I'd rather see a first rate Sting, or the real Sting"

Adam Hills sung Screaming Jets by Johnny Warman. I thought I was the only person in this country who had that song. I'm going to form a band with Adam and name our band after a good song, ala Screaming Jets and Jet. Of course, that means our band will suck. "Welcome to the stage, Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict!"

"Park Bench, $67" - Bunnings ad

At uni I wandered over to one of the "express" terminals to check my emails, and the one I wandered over to had someone already logged in. So I thought "heh some idiot has left their thing logged on" and clicked the Start menu to see who it was. My name greeted me from the Start Menu.

"whoa, the library spoke to me" - Jimmh

"Have you ever considered how amazing that mouth is? We have" - the most disturbing toothpaste commercial

"Oh man, was he recording the whole conversation? The only thing I said since sitting down was 'I love you' " - Theo

2 Levis 1 Cup

"Scott, pull it out already, you're getting me all wet"

Scott showed me Neil Patrick Harris on his ipod. It was awesome.

I witnessed Tim "Beatle cut" the First dancing. That he lost the dance-off is proof the trivia guy is not an accurate adjudicator.

I heard, in the funniest American accent, some TV show narrator say "What happens when a guy impersonates a crash test dummy?"

Levi 1: Levi was watching Pokemon on his laptop, in the bar where people were drinking. Some guys took out their phones to photograph this phenomena. (They were playing Pokemon Safari?)

Levi 2: Levi and I both witnessed something awesome. We then laughed hysterically.

(on an advertisement for a tutor with 20 years' experience with math) "Too bad he didn't have 20 years experience with a word processor."

"Anyway, the atmosphere matters more than the music."
"Especially when the music's crap."

I witnessed James "I directed Titanic" Cameron air-fluting. It was awesome.

a grave accident of bike

Levi read out a Dinosaur Comic dramatically (with accompanying facial expressions), and Scott also verbalised some comic in the newspaper while I was sudokuing. I didn't record these recitals on my recording device. It's my biggest regret in life.

Some random guy Levi met knew Merry. It was awesome.

Youtube comments are a comedy goldmine:

"For a random string of digits you sure put a man in his place."

"The bible was a book written by a bunch of half mad, superstitious jews running around the desert before underwear was invented."

"Do you hear from your bell end?"

I ended up staring at the sudoku for ages without figuring out anything useful, so I started putting letters and symbols in the squares. Infinity is a wildcard! I also put the side of a die in one square.

I also went late night DVD shopping and bought "Heat". Scott found this an incredibly interesting story. There was a price sticker over the T so when I showed it to my sister she was all "What is 'hea'?"

"Stop grinding chocolate into my newspaper!" - Tim "Big Red" Heavy-Chas

After the rousing success of last week's trivia joke, I used my "Schwarzenegger Batman & Robin" joke. It got booed. I was so caught up in the moment I began booing too.

Scott was on the phone. I said "Oh Scott" in a manner later described as one reading the financials in the paper. The person on the other end now thinks Scott makes my stocks rise. ;)

I saw Red "Big Red" Morgan get into a van with an excited look on his face.

I stole Levi's magic umbrella again. But this time it was as a joke, and I gave it back 5 minutes later, as opposed to 5 hours. Then he showed off his Han Solo keyring and Hosford bellowed R-rated pointlessness to the world, but because we were outside we couldn't tell him to use his inside voice.

I saw some kid who looked like Harry Potter and had to stifle my laughter.

The "actual money" trivia question was who was the first president to live in the White House. I wrote Barack Obama. I didn't get it right. But then, Jimmy "Big Red" Smitsford got it right and he still didn't win.

Youtube comment: "He won't stop calling me a stupid white person even though I keep telling him I'm not white"

"I was thinking, The Cure and Bob Dylan aren't actually that different"
"They both make good music with bad singers?"

"I'm gonna put some verbs in my sentences" - Dr Phil

Har: you could try being The Doors, find an organist
Har: and be like "yay no bass player"
Naz: that'd mean I'd have to take the role of clever minimalist guitarist, and sex-god lead singer
Har: you could do that, only problem is it would make you a clever minimalist sex god
Naz: I think that might be the first time someone's said "minimalist sex god"

"I didn't like bones much" - bisexual man (on The Killers)

Excerpts from an Enthralling Genesis Conversation:

"Mike Rutherford could play cello"

"I fail to see how Peter Gabriel is connected to Genesis in any way"

"If you compare the '86 albums So and Invisible Touch, it's like comparing, well, Phil Collins' attractiveness with Peter Gabriel's"

"Peter Gabriel is the singer"

Apparently Tim Chas1000kg passed on my message to Merry. It's all falling into plan...

"I'm worried to install MSN on my laptop because Hosford's MSN is full of viruses. Every time he talks to me he transfers them to my computer. It's like AIDS."

"I love Guy Pratt last night in bed" - Hosford

From a cricket article:

Pakistan's home ODI series against Zimbabwe in January missed the radar of most, but it didn't deserve the gut-churning commentary it got from a clutch of ex-Pakistan internationals and a random Zimbabwean (who asked Zaheer Abbas on air who Kerry Packer was).

If you ask me, we need more commentators who are random Zimbabweans.

Yesterday I spoke on the telephone with a woman who said "Robert Fripp" to me. It was the greatest moment of my life.

I'm pretty sure the apocalypse is near. Limp Bizkit are reforming. (All bad foods do.) A guy called Mr Weiner wrote an article saying they deserve a second chance. A comment was posted about how "It wasn't the same without them, and Blink 182 (they're reforming as well), now it's all Jonas Brothers" without seeing the irony. (JBrothers demographic: 8-12 year olds. Blink 182 demographic: 12-14 year olds.)

And now I've included three of the worst names in music on my brick. I think I have to destroy it now.

"It's funny because it's so disturbingly erotic"

The only Batman movie to have a politician starring is also the clear-cut worst. Government ruins everything!

"Why won't Iggy Pop put a shirt on"

Speaking of Schwarzenegger, he decided to combat the giant amount of debt his state is in by buying a bear statue. Hey, it's a better plan than Washington came up with.

Naz: even if he had totally crappy politics, having Christian Bale in power would be great
Naz: just for misquoting as 'President Batman' or 'President John Connor'
Naz: or the puns, like 'Patrick Bateman slashes budget'

Or "John Connor says solar energy is the future"

Or "Hey I was in two movies with William Fichtner"

Or "That wasn't even a pun, this update is too political, you goddamn nazi fascist"

Ron Paul is actually Ron Paul Jones, son of the bassist guy. What kind of last name is Paul anyway. More like a first name.

Amnesiac says: my brain hasn't been working properly today

I laughed at a Bunnings ad again yesterday. I'm starting to worry about myself.

"Stick it in your mouth" - Scott (propositioning me)

I forgot to regale you with my genius trivia joke from last week. So here it is, in all its "[Brett Stewart] you banana" glory:

What happened to the trivia guy who didn't read out my joke?
I stabbed him when he left the GT bar.

...

He didn't read it out.

So I stabbed him!

But only metaphorically.

This week's joke got rousing applause. I felt as if I was moving in slow motion to receive my prize. Turns out, I was just walking really slowly and got reprimanded for it. It's probably the only time someone will ever say to me "Hurry up next time, we can only clap for so long."

Maybe that's what someone said to that Moonlight Sonata chick who keeps playing it too fast in the Brennan Room.

Jimmy Smitsford has made a habit of throwing scrunched up balls of paper and other oddities at the bins from afar. So far his record is 0 from 25. Yesterday he threw a ball of paper at the bin and I said "Seriously, have you actually got it in once yet?" He responded antagonistically.

When the trivia winner went up to collect his prize everyone at our table independently thought of the joke of shouting "LAPTOP". I realised just now that story has not been relayed at all to the faithful viewer, all two of you.

Last week our entire table got disqualified because Levi was using a laptop to get his joke-name and one answer. The Bob Woodward of this operation, some guy who yelled "LAPTOP" when he won, didn't actually know whether he had a laptop and just shouted it for laffs.

Anyway, the guy in the present story ended up getting disqualified, despite being a dead ringer for Peter Serafinowicz. The runner-up also got disqualified. So ironically our table won. So (illegitimately) our table has won basically every trivia arvo since the second week.

There was a photo of Des Hasler in the paper looking braindead.

Some guy walked past our table at lunch, and he was holding a rolled-up poster. He dropped it on the floor. Five seconds after he'd picked it up, Jimmy (aka JimmH) burst out laughing. While the guy was looking right at him. Words cannot describe the expression that guy had.

Jimmh was enlightening us on his gender-based thesis throughout daily discourse; paraphrased slightly "Women are either intelligent or attractive." Upon disgust by Morgan's female friend, "that girl who is Morgan's friend but isn't that girl who is Morgan's friend", aka Emily, Hosford elaborated on his verbal abstract, explaining that it wasn't a dichotomous thing, "that some women can have 50/50." At this point she constructively criticised, "Okay, stop talking now." It was awesome.[Citation needed]

"I write stuff like 'elvis lives on' in the middle of my essays to see if they pick it up"

Some couple walked past at the bus stop, and the only snippet I heard of the conversation was the woman going "Making love to you is like making love to a brick wall. Hard, tough and brown."

Morgan's computer broke. He was ripping a Beegees CD (heebee jeebie) when suddenly a loud noise happened mid-rip. He opened the CD tray and shattered fragments of the CD were all that remained. He was afraid to take it to get fixed because the repairman would open it up and find fragments of a Beegees CD as the problem, and laugh at his taste in music.

"Where's the Canadian?" - Obama

While I was sitting with JAMES MERRY and Tim (or should that be TIM!!), Levi wandered over and unceremoniously dropped his umbrella and heavy backpack onto the table, the umbrella which nearly hit me. I figured, benefit of the doubt, but when he started throwing garbage at me and I got strawberry milk on my pants I decided to unceremoniously walk out. With his umbrella.

It was epic.

I sat with Mansell (aka JimM) who informed me of Morgan's drunk-driving habits, and how he's never sober. Some odd running joke was that the empty Coke bottle on the table was going to be used for "sperm donation" purposes. When Hudson arrived with his own half-drank Coke, someone asked him "What are you going to do with the bottle when you're finished drinking it all?"

Hudson was all *nervous shifty eyes* "I'm leaving now."

"Not yet! You haven't emptied the bottle!"

So then Hudson was all *nervous shifty eyes* "I think I'll go over here" and moved away from them, in the manner of a nervous shifty-eyed person.

"Oh okay, just keep it under the table."

Mansell was told his fly was undone; it didn't faze him. I'm pretty sure it was still undone when he went to his physics class.

Some religious guy wanted Smitsford and I to fill out a form about Easter. He bribed us with an easter egg. I didn't want to leave my actual name and details so I wrote down "Tony Levin", and my email as "tone11@gmail". Turns out that email was taken before I could register it. So, that guy's going to be surprised to find random religious emails from Australia out of the blue.

I got this painting in poster form. If you can be assed commenting, include your interpretation of what it is.

(It's funny because Morgan is the most responsible drinker ever.)

"We are not Sweden" - Tim Geithner

Damn Hudson, stealing my joke. Some trivia question was all "What sport involves a stick, called a 'kip' " and I was all "Guitar Hero!" ... Then ten seconds later, after the question was repeated, Hudson goes "Guitar Hero!" and everyone heard and everyone laughed. I will avenge this.

Also, I hilariously got Jimmy Hosser's pen broke. I was trying to craftily remove one of the inks from his 4-ink interchange pen. Then Levi's friend grabbed the pen from me, and she pulled out the black and blue ink. I was emasculated! But it was chuckleworthy. Unfortunately the missing ink was discovered during trivia, not hilariously while he was trying to write something down in class.

"I love your fantasies Hosford" - Scott

Scott drew moustaches on the horses on the newspaper's front cover.

Neil Finn was in Tim's newspaper twice on consecutive days. I think Neil Finn is after me, and leaving me cryptic messages in the form of newspaper articles in which his photo appears.

"I think he had the same face the whole show" - Hoser on Sam's elation at seeing The Who live

Levi was hardcore. That was what I had written down, but I don't know how to elaborate.

Hargreaves: "speaking of public holidays, I need to have a pretend boyfriend or girlfriend so that my ex won't ask for [Friends With Benefits] on the upcoming public holiday"
Nazza: "don't want to get done in for statutory rape?"

There was this ad that really annoyed me whenever I heard it, because it had a blatant cheap knockoff ripoff Franz Ferdinand-soundalike song on it. I discovered recently, the song is actually by Franz Ferdinand.

I also have two copies of Short Circuit on DVD, because my sister couldn't find it in Target, so I went to check if it was there and she was just really stupid (it was there) so I bought it, when my sister got home she revealed she bought it at JB Hifi.

"This was the Ting Tings? I didn't realise 'cause there was no shouting." - Thim (silent h) Chastone (vocal h)

Joe told an anecdote about some crazy oblivious guy his brother knows called Merv. Some chick was hitting on Merv and said playfully "You're such an idiot sometimes!" (I presume a giggle followed.) Merv replied "Yeah, well you're a whore!"

I told Sam a stats joke, and only after I'd told him and sat back did I realise he did stats, and thus would've got it. Reading this, it may occur that I'm totally insane for telling someone a joke under the assumption I knew they wouldn't get it. Well, fuck you banana!

There's too much profanity already. Profanity should piss off.

"He lived to the ripe old age of...quite a bit"

"Many many people have accused me of being gay" - Hargreaves (no smoke without fire?)

Apparently even while he's actively pursuing courtship with young maidens, they think he's homosexual.

There's a punctuation mark called "interrobang". It's also what Jack Bauer does. It's a combination of interrogation and banging people. (With fists, you sickos)

My brain is falling apart. Or my dreams are getting weirder. I half-woke to my alarm clock blaring, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm awesome - I mean, that I hate my alarm clock. In my dazed state, I decided that the best way to stop the noise was to unplug my guitar amp at the powerpoint and remove all guitar leads from it. Only after that didn't work did I go for Plan B "switching the alarm clock off".

Sam: oh my god
Sam: Bert Newton said "sexy"

I had an explain-off with Hosford, to see who could best explain to Sam the concept of a villanelle. I won. I was more concise!

I was going to write a villanelle about how I won, but I realised I'm no poet. And I did know it.

Naz: this isn't the best study environment
Naz: good thing I'm not studying!
Sam: but studying is what all the cool kids do
Sam: I should know
Naz: yeah, you look at the cool kids from afar, wishing one day to be with them

"That guy was all 'no profanity' in his list of what jokes can't have..."
"There goes 'fuck you banana' "

The joke I was referring to was (from Mark Prindle's site):

What did the chimpanzee say to the banana?
Fuck you, banana.

Jim Hos asked whether "surd is the word" for the Surd Hero joke. I had no idea what the [Lou Reed] he was saying, so I sang that "Bird is the Word" song with surd substituted where appropriate.

Damn, tomorrow I have to do an assignment. *sigh* It's for music culture, so I have to listen to music all day. What a chore!

Another crazy footballer in the news, this time Brett Seymour. "Witnesses said he threw a pizza."

Insert joke here.

"Perhaps Wayne Bennett isn't the messiah" - newspaper article

"Can I ask you a question: up in Queensland did you ever mow the lawn in your thongs?" - Laurie Daley, football commentator (said while on air)

My ticket for W says "W (M)". If I turn it upside down it says "(W) M". I didn't know there was a W rating. For vulgar scenes and extreme George Bush.

I gave Scott a link to Megaphonium Fanfare;

Naz: mine's better though
Naz: [brick link (find it yourself lazy bastards)]
Naz: it has significantly more Scott
Scott: just reading them now
Scott: I'll let you know the verdict shortly
Naz: I'll have to wait, I didn't pay my bail
Scott: lololol legal jojes
Naz: much better than illegal jojes
Scott: nah they are the best kind
Naz: pervert

Scott was disappointed that I didn't help him with trivia. So we've made an arrangement; if I don't help him with trivia he punches me in the head.

Morgan relayed me a story about how some girl in his class had lost her wallet, and was in distress. Someone asked her to describe the wallet, and she said "it's camouflage" so Morgan's friend, "that girl who is Morgan's friend", aka Ellen, said "Oh no! We'll NEVER find it..."

I informed Joe we had gotten Guitar Hero. He informed me he got a pie. He conceded it was not as good as Guitar Hero. We decided to make the videogame "Pie Hero". There were discussions of "Pi Hero", followed by its sequel, "Pi Hero 3....point1415".

Joe: I'd move onto the others like "e Hero" as part of the Surd hero series
Naz: "We're predicting exponential growth of sales"

I'll continue my series of "Niche Jokes with Good Friends" shortly! (*ticks "Tom" off his list)

AHMADINEJAD THROW ME A PARTY

I read a hilarious article the other day about how the President of Iran, Ahmadinejad, wants to replace the current political systems of the world with one based on "human rights". Then his aide whispered in his ear that that meant he couldn't subjugate bitches.

"Have you seen Mansell at uni yet?"
(enthusiastically) "Yeah. He tried to run me over."

I didn't know whether my Music Culture class would need any notes or writing down stuff, so I brought a few blank pieces of paper just in case. The teacher was handing out pieces of paper that we wrote our names on and folded so you could sit it at the desk and everyone could see your name. When the teacher went to retrieve the left-over paper she also grabbed my sheets of paper. My paper was stolen!

I made up for it by stealing her identity.

"YOUR FACE sleeps on a pillow!" (said by Joe to sleeping person)

Apparently Joe had a red mark on his arm since he was like 10. Randomly a few weeks ago his sister, who studied medical stuff, was all "That's a blood blister. You should pop that." It had existed since before she started studying medical stuff! It was like a brother. A red parasitic 90% blood brother. Bruce Dickinson wrote a song about it ("WE'RE BLOOD BROTHERS! WE'RE BLOOD BROTHERS! ... ... WE'RE BLOOD BROTHERS! WE'RE BLOOD BROTHERS!")

...

"WE'RE BLOOD BROTHERS!"

Man that song's chorus was repetitive.

I also took Sam's watch from him and put it on my person, and had a lively chat with him before he noticed I was wearing his watch.

"Sam, what's the time?"
Scott: "Time to get a new fence."

Coincidentally Scott is now my favourite comedian. Hmm, wait, no, that's Greg Giraldo.

Or is it?

No probably not.

Scott was also bragging that he hated Kevin Rudd before it was cool. This led Hosford on a long-winded politically-driven rant that no one understood. But, he was a good speaker so his ratings are still high.

At trivia I shouted out "mamma mia!" after an Italian-based question. The question "What's the atomic number of gold?" Levi solved this by getting out his science textbook and looking at the table of elements. There was a question about what, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, is the longest film in existence. I solved this by getting out my Guinness Book of World Records. Not really, I was awesome enough to know the answer without carrying around textbooks.

Coincidentally, I have never bought a textbook for uni. The lectures told me I would fail without a textbook. Yeah, I failed at failing! Suckers.

Hosford got a question right about Sheryl Crow. He won a voucher. He also won no one's respect.

Shit, I just realised the football's on, and I also realised this update wasn't funny. So, two birds with one stone!

BRETT STEWART AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

...134

Newstopia used to have Bunnings parody ads. Now whenever actual Bunnings ads come on I burst out laughing. The most recent one said "Yard broom $4.99" and I laughed so much my sister asked what was so funny.

She also said the archduke Franz Ferdinand was an idiot.

Apparently there's a video with narration about the event, after the assassination the voice over guy says "Then one ate a sandwich" in a deep and serious voice.

While we were waiting for Watchmen to start ("Who watches the Watchmen? The audience, you idiot") Hosford was propositioned by some young girls.

They wanted him to buy cigarettes (no ice-cream or figurines of the Virgin Mary). Yeah! What a non-upstanding citizen he is. A rebel with a gauze.

Then there was that guy who walked past Hosford and pointed his fingers. Pointin' ma fingers, pointin' ma fingers, pointin- pointin- pointin at you! Mick Jagger is a bad actor.

We also saw Scratch for $10, which is hilarious because he bought it for $27 and only got it because I told him he should get it because it's great.

I read the funniest article: "Police said a 58-year-old man stabbed his teenage son after he refused to take off his hat at church earlier in the day."

Other great headlines include

• Police Taser Nude Man Outside Church
• Woman Uses Wedgie to Capture Suspected Thief
• Cops Get Tough on Speed Laws
  
• Chris Hargreaves Caught Exposing Self at Mardi Gras

Just kidding. I made the third one up.

While I was at the waiting room of the doctors' I saw Peter Harvey on the TV and started laughing.

I was watching some interview between a business channel host and an economist. They spoke for five minutes about the housing bubble, then the last question the guy asked was "What is a bubble?"

John Wetton licked the fudge

I saw W today. W was on my ticket. W was on my T-shirt (not really). W was in the number of the cinema. (Actually it wasn't Cinema 2, it was 5.) W was also a letter I just used in this sentence. And now this one. W! WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

My seat was centrist, and a little to the left.

I can't wait for the sequel; (choose your own punchline)
-X.
-H.W. (wait that's a prequel)
-O.
-or, to use his full name, B.O.
-?.
-( ).

Yeah I'm bored.

The popcorn made my throat sore. So, you could say, George Bush made me sick.

Speaking of making me sick, my friend and faithful commenter started a new bloggy frog. I'm not going to link it though, you'll have to wait for his comment. Ha!

xyz

Holy [thing], Batman!

"Transubstation makes me laugh. Second coming of Jesus! In a breadloaf."
"Whoa, so that's why he keeps appearing on toast."

If you feed cows chocolate, do they make chocolate milk?

"I'm also hungry but food doesn't like me"
"Yeah after a while you get tired of french fries slapping you in the face...and soda cussing you out"
"I hate being shot by grapes"

I fed chocolate to a dog once, but it died. I also fed it poison. But...I'm pretty sure it was the chocolate.

"There's a several lack of christ blood in this house."

"Those vampires, always going to wineries."

Hg: MOOOOOO
Nz: you cow
Hg: sssh
Nz: cows don't whisper
Hg: yeah, but they do shit everywhere
Nz: I guess you are a cow then

"Can I buy you?"
"Depends what you're offering"
"A box full of NOTHING"
"Hmm...you make a persuasive case..."
"Wait
So who's offering the empty box?"

Disclaimer: I've never actually killed anything (except in GTA). The above was a joke. By pointing that out it'll stop being funny. I think a lot of people pointed out things during "Friends". It's the only explanation that makes sense. Coincidentally, I've stopped making sense (making sense). I will now defy convention by not quoting Talking Heads! (for once in a lifetime)

Incidentally, I think I'll create a new superhero. "The Disclaimer!" His superpowers include pointing out the obvious so no one will sue.

"You can't fill a full box"
"Is that a challenge?"
"Yeah, that'd keep you occupied"
"If you paid me for it I'd have a job"
"Well I'm going to pay you in protection"
"The mafia kind or the trojan kind"
"Durex"
"You drive a hard bargain"
"This is working out well, my first enterprise and I'm already getting a box and rubbers"
"I feel sick"
"Is the image of me as a business mogul that visceral"

"My neck has been killing me"
"Fight back! Before it turns loose on your family"

Ellie: I teach scripture to yr 1 kids
Ellie: and this kid kept asking about transformers
Nazza: "Does Jesus turn into Optimus Prime?"
Nazza: "so, he turned water into wine, then a truck into a robot?"

Only two of my four uni courses are showing up on the uni website so far. Ironically, they're the two non-IT ones.

"I don't think Japanese rugby union'd be that hard" - Fittler

"Apparently they want to ban kissing on train platforms in London. I mean London wants to. Not just some guys going 'let's make them stop doing that...IN LONDON SMASH' "

"Fuck Youtube. ... Man that would've worked better orally."

"He says he's nice at heart."
"Ugly at face."

Apparently some church sign said "Our church is prayer-conditioned." This caused my sister to laugh uncontrollably.

I watched a Star Wars movie last week. It had Jimmy Smits in it. I laughed controllably.

Hos: I hate sri lanka
Hos: it's one of those word/s that are really annoying to type and I always get wrong
Hos: just like PINK FLOYD
Hos: whoa I got it right
Naz: hehe
Naz: pink floyd
Naz: sri lanka
Naz: you fial

I have a theory. The guy who writes that "Heath Ledger is Not Dead" blog, is in fact, JIMMY SMITS. I mean, HEATH LEDGER. You're probably thinking "Whoa there crazy horse" which is fair but I don't have hooves (Herbert Hoover did) and they're all totally insane in the head so what's one more conspiracy theory going to do?

*gets assassinated*

For an assignment:
"What's an animal people think are cute?"

...

"Sharks"

...

...

"No"

Sam says:
843 people now know that Sam Smells

"I'm using the name John as a derogatory term"
"Sweet. I'm guessing he's so far beyond normal John, that we could call him...the Deacon John"

Hos: I dropped the iPod cover in my milk
Hos: and it sinks apparently
Hos: so I had to fetch it
Naz: BAHAHAHAHA
Hos: and now I'm getting milk all over the keyboard from my hands
Naz: are you borderline retarded

"It was all 'splash' and I was all 'DUDE WHAT THE [Nathan Casey]!' "

Asphyxiate his own brother!

Hos: doh
Hos: I just hit myself in the face with a lid and got residue on my cheek and chin
Naz: you
Naz: man
Naz: I'm cracking up
Hos: doh it's on my pants
Naz: now you're just telling fibs

"I hope when I go over to your house
you go 'THEY ONLY LET ME USE PLASTIC SPOONS NOW'
and speak in a lisp"

"You can't spill solids"

A voiceover told me "VH1 wants to make sweet love to your eardrums." Now I lock my bedroom door at night. Channel [v[ looks like it wants in on the action too.

The guy who shot Ben! There's no better comedic way to put it. Nevermind no one will get the joke.

(Setting: Ben is sitting in a seat previously occupied; Coralie is trying to remove this illegal alien)
"Ben! Come over here."
"No."
"I want to tell you something, come here."
"My ears work fine."
"Then GET OFF THE CHAIR"

I want Kevin Rudd's massive stimulus in me. Wait, did I just say that?

Some guy on the news was talking to a kid who survived the big fire. He queried "What's with your face?"

The kid replied "I got a dragon on it."

I played a game of chess with myself. White me got black me into a checkmate. Damn racists.

I don't know who Stimulus Bill is but he's on the news a lot.

Your greatness has no effect on the par of a Pepsi

"ahaha knob backwards is bonk ahaha"

Check out this AFL fight. Words cannot describe it. We saw the raw footage of the fight on the news channel every half hour.

For some reason the news in general is hilarious to watch. Peter Harvey went insane and tried to crash a car. After a terrorist attack against a bikie gang by another bikie gang this reporter was trying to get one of the witnesses standing around to chat, they all declined. He was wondering around like a lost puppy holding out a microphone in the hopes someone, anyone would say something.

The newsreader explained that a device that prevents cars from crashing "involves technology". Some indepth analysis there.

After a newspaper headline of "47 degrees; hottest day in Australian history" was shown he addendumed "celcius not farenheit". Thanks for clearing that up.

You're built from distractions so brilliantly dull. says:
hahahaha nice
You're built from distractions so brilliantly dull. says:
do u know what IS nice.
You're built from distractions so brilliantly dull. says:
actually, nm i forgot.
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
haha
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
damn
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
i was all on the edge of my seat

Zenyatta Mondatta says:
somehow despite this being the only login on vista
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
it is not the "administrator" log in
Hargreaves says:
lol it's like having aids
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
aha
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
that's your answer to everything
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
"i lost my wallet on the train"
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
"its like having aids"
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
"this girl doesn't like me"
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
"its like having aids"
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
"i accidentally injected myself with an unclean needle and now my immune system isn't working"
Zenyatta Mondatta says:
"its like having aids"

"What's the most progressive form of visual media?"
"Holographic pornography"

Hosford's brother was doing some school project where he had to fill in certain questions with answers (I know, tough stuff). One of the questions was "Who is your favourite popstar?" He wrote "Frank Zappa". Best. Project. Ever.